Karuna Counseling’s Newsletter Articles

October 31, 2010

Limitations

By Claire N. Scott, Ph.D.

One of my father’s favorite sayings was:  “You can do anything if you just put your mind to it.” My father practiced what he preached.  Raised in poverty and having only an eighth grade education, he rose to become a successful businessman, lived in an upscale neighborhood and put his three children through college.  My father’s advice and example has served me well.  It has led me to set my sights high, work hard and not give up easily.

Unfortunately, it’s also fostered some not so admirable traits.  On the negative side I developed perfectionistic expectations of myself and over-inflated ideas about my capabilities.  It also created a drivenness that still makes it hard for me to relax.   I saw failures as catastrophic and shameful – and my fault.   On the one hand I had a lot of self-confidence, but I also had a deep-seated hidden fear that I was either lazy or inadequate, or both.  Early on I began to careen between episodes of obsessive drivenness and exhausted self-indulgent collapse.    This lurching and the shame that went with it ultimately led me into therapy.

In therapy I learned to face the fact that I could NOT do anything I put my mind to, but accepting this did not come easily.  To this day I still have to remind myself that it’s okay to have strengths and weaknesses.  I still struggle with finding the balance between what’s reasonable to expect of myself and what’s not.  I love my can-do attitude and I’ve accomplished much.  But I’ve also failed at things, and I’ve found it’s important to be able to acknowledge and accept when I can’t do something as well – and even more that there’s no shame in that.  I tell my clients (and remind myself) that my brilliance is all tangled up with my mistakes.  What a freedom it is to finally believe that!

I’m certainly not the only one who got some version of the perfectionistic drivenness scripting.  We’re faced with a lot of injunctions in this culture about pushing through our limitations:  sayings like reach for the stars, never say never, difficult things take a long time — impossible things take a little longer, energy and persistence conquer all things.  The idea of giving up or saying I can’t is severely frowned upon in this culture.

THE  OPPOSITE  EXTREME

One can also learn to deal with difficulties from the opposite extreme.  We can err on side of denial or minimization of our limitations – or alternatively we can err on side of wallowing in our limitations, using them to excuse our stuckness or lack of effort.  We all have known someone who lets their problems overwhelm them, who gives up at the first sign of trouble, who blames others for their struggles or can’t see that they are handicapping themselves.  Chances are we’ve even been one of “those people” at some point in our lives.  People who say “yes, but” and then recite the reasons that any effort on their part won’t work.  People who won’t start for fear of failing.  People with good intentions who procrastinate or wait for motivation to fall from the sky.  People who, consciously or unconsciously, set themselves up for failure with their self-defeating, negative attitudes.

One explanation for such self-defeating behaviors is learned helplessness, i.e., learning that one shouldn’t even attempt to gain control over or deal with a challenge because the situation is hopeless and they’re helpless to change it.  A good example is a training technique used to control elephants.  A young elephant is chained to an immovable object by a thick, unbreakable chain.  The young elephant tries and tries to get itself loose, to no avail.  After a while the elephant will quit trying.  Eventually the elephant, even when grown and possessing incredible strength, can be held captive by a thin rope tied around its ankle and anchored to a small stake in the ground.  The elephant was “scripted” to understand that its efforts were futile.

Obviously there is a continuum between these two extremes of “You can do anything if you put your mind to it” and giving up before you even try.  Is there an ideal place to exist on the continuum?  Perhaps theoretically, but in reality most of us probably waffle a bit between the two depending on the circumstances and other variables involved.

And other variables there are aplenty, particularly if we mean those variables which act upon us (as opposed to those upon which we act).   Although we are loathe to admit it, the truth is that we are controlled by internal and external forces far more than we can exert control over them.  We prefer to focus on that which we can control and ignore or minimize that which we cannot control.  Pema Chodron talks about the dangers of such denial in her book When Things Fall Apart.  She explains that we are mistaken in our tenaciously held belief that there is any solid ground upon which to stand anywhere.  She points out that we are in fact always building our lives on shifting sands, always in the midst of change, and that we must learn to embrace this impermanence, this lack of security, this “groundlessness” that is the unalterable state of our being.

Teilhard de Chardin, the French philosopher, is eloquent (if frightening) in his description of all the various aspects of human existence which result in groundlessness.  He speaks of the various limitations and “diminishments” as “little deaths” that assail us from within and without:  “…bits of ill fortune that block our way, hem us in, force us to deviate from our path … an obstacle that breaks us, the invisible microbe that kills the body, the little word that infects the mind, all the incidents and accidents of varying importance and varying kinds, the tragic interferences (upsets, shocks, severances, deaths)” that come between us and what we want. There are “natural failings, physical defects, intellectual or moral weaknesses, as a result of which the field of our activities, of our enjoyment, of our vision, has been pitilessly limited since birth.  Others lie in wait for later on:  as brutally as an accident or as stealthily as an illness.  All of us one day or another will come to realize if we have not already done so, that one or other of these sources of disintegration has lodged itself in the very heart of our lives…  And [when it acts upon us] then we impotently stand by and watch collapse, rebellion and inner tyranny.”  (p.81-82)

BALANCE

Learning how to deal with the reality of limitations in a healthy way is not an easy job.  As we have seen there are dangers in dealing with limitations from either extreme – denial or collapse.  It is difficult to find the balance between the two:  a healthy sense of confidence and a willingness to try balanced by a realistic understanding of the limitations and diminishments we all face.  Rudyard Kipling’s poem If (included in this newsletter) offers some wise words on maintaining one’s balance among all sorts of triumphs and trials.

Pema Chodron also has much to say on how to live happily in the midst of our groundlessness.  She says that things routinely fall apart and that to attempt to escape this is folly.

We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.  They come together and they fall apart.  Then they come together again and fall apart again.  It’s just like that.  The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen:  room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don’t know what’s really going to happen.  When we think something is going to give us misery, we don’t know.  Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.  We try to do what we think is going to help.  But we don’t know.  We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall.  When there’s a big disappointment we don’t know if that’s the end of the story.  It may be just the beginning of a great adventure.  (p. 11-12)

In an interesting article by the Quaker author John Yungblut, he espouses the idea of “hallowing one’s diminishments” – meaning to make holy one’s diminishments.  He was referring to a creative, intentional attitude toward one’s limitations rather than merely a negative resignation to a cruel fate.   The first step to such a hallowing for him was a “deep-going acceptance.”  He said, “I practiced imaging acceptance of the diminishments as if they were the gift of a companion to accompany me on my way to the great diminishment, death.  … In this case, cooperating with the process in terms of maintaining a friendly attitude toward it would be a way of hallowing the diminishments.”  Hallowing can be thought of as the intentional holding of a limitation or diminishment in a sensibility that neither denies the affliction nor abhors it.   It’s a way of letting go of the emphasis on what has been lost and embracing instead the something new that has replaced it.

In one of the Carlos Castaneda books, the shamanic master Don Juan expresses a similar attitude.  He said we should all live as though “Sister Death” stood slightly behind us and to the left, our constant companion as we journey through life.  Rather than avoid or deny her reality, we should consult her about the choices we make throughout our lives.

Another well known author who echoes this sentiment is Ram Dass in his book Still Here.  You may remember Ram Dass because of his famous (and infamous) departure from the Harvard faculty, with his colleague Timothy Leary, in the 1960’s.  He wrote a book, Be Here Now, which was immensely popular at the time.  His more recent book Still Here was written in 2002 after he had suffered a stroke.  He became a semi-invalid after his stroke, confined to a wheelchair.  He could no longer walk or drive his sports car or play golf or surf.  He acknowledges going through an initial stage of self-pity about being the victim of such a horrible debilitating occurrence.  Ultimately, however, he grew to feel he had been blessed by his stroke.  He referred to it as having been “stroked by God.” He said, “… Now I’m learning to take my healing into my own hands.  Healing is not the same as curing, after all; healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.” (p.5)   Although limited in ways he used to value so highly, he has learned to value the person he is now and value life as it presents itself today.

It isn’t always easy to recognize when one needs to slow down and let go or when one needs to step up and try harder.  If we are going to find a good balance and enjoy our lives as much as possible, we need to both accept limitations and reach for the stars.  We have to honor our “can’t do” attitude as well as our “can do” attitude.  Perhaps the most famous and often used words to express this sentiment are found in the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

There are no easy answers to the question of limitations.  I wonder what your experiences with limitations have been like.  When was it healthy for you to push past your limitations and go after your goals?  When was it better to acknowledge your limitations, quit beating your head against a brick wall and learn to accept?  If you’d like to respond to this article and share your own story, please send me an email.  Perhaps we can explore this issue more and publish some of your stories (anonymously of course) in a future article.   ClaireScott@KarunaCounseling.com.

Bibliography

Castaneda, Carlos.  The Teachings of Don Juan:  A Yaqui Way of Knowledge.  Berkeley, CA:  University of California Press, 1968.

Chodron, Pema.  When Things Fall Apart.  Boston:  Shambala, 2002.

Dass, Ram.  Still Here:  Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying.  New York:  Buckley Publishling Group, 2000.

De Chardin, Teilhard.  The Divine Milieu.  English translation London:  William Collins Sons & Do., LTD, 1960. Originally published in French as Le Milieu Divin.  Paris:  Editions du Seuil, 1957.

Peterson, Christopher; Maier, Steven; and Seligman, Martin.  Learned Helplessness.  New York:  Knopf, 1995.

The Serenity Prayer is the common name for an originally untitled prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.  This prayer has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve step programs.

Yungblut, John.  On Hallowing One’s Diminishments.  Wallingford,PA :  Pendle Hill Publications.  1990.

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August 3, 2010

Managing Anxiety and Depression Using Diet, Nutritional Supplements and SAM-e

by Darby Christopher, LMSW

Please note: This article should not be taken as advice for how to treat any particular condition. Individuals should always consult with their doctor before making any lifestyle or dietary changes, as some natural substances are harmful to specific medical conditions. Never stop taking any prescription medication without the advice and care of your doctor.

 

Introduction

The decision of whether or not to take prescription medication for anxiety or depression is a personal choice an individual makes based on many factors. This choice is made in conjunction with a doctor and often with the help of a therapist. For many individuals, prescription medication is not only a good fit, but the best fit for their particular constellation of life experiences, genetics and environment.

This article is written for individuals who, with the help and consultation of their doctor and therapist, would like to try to use diet and dietary supplements to manage their issues with anxiety and depression without, or in conjunction with, prescription medication. It is also intended to provide information for individuals to explore more fully on their own and with their doctor and therapist.

There are many factors that can affect a person’s mood and energy level, such as diet, proper rest, psychotherapy, exercise, spiritual practices, environment and relationships. This article will focus on diet and biochemistry, while acknowledging that each of these areas are interconnected and equally important.

Why Nutrition Matters

Our bodies need well functioning neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and dopamine, to experience enjoyment, relaxation, focus and motivation. From a holistic perspective, many factors aside from nutrition can affect how well our bodies are able to produce these chemicals. Yet, inadequate nutrition will result in a diminished ability to produce the chemicals we need to feel good. (Inadequate nutrition may result from a tainted food supply, lack of affordable healthy food, absorption problems in the body, and misinformation or inattention to diet.)

What our Bodies Need Nutritionally to Make Feel Good Chemicals

According to Dr. Charles Gant, author of End Your Addiction Now: The Proven Nutritional Supplement Program That Can Set You Free, there are four primary groups of neurotransmitters that are responsible for feelings of well being, relaxation and focus. They include endorphins and enkaphalins, serotonin, GABA, and dopamine and norepinephrine. (Serotonin also contributes to an ability to sleep well.) What our bodies need is to ingest the nutrients necessary to manufacture these items. So, what are these nutrients?

Let’s start with serotonin. Specific cells in our bodies manufacture serotonin using the amino acid tryptophan, working in conjunction with vitamin b6, vitamin c, folic acid and magnesium. Some foods that contain tryptophan include cheese, soy products, seafood, meat, poultry, whole grains, eggs, beans, peanuts and sunflower seeds. Some foods that contain vitamin b6 include tuna, bananas and a variety of green vegetables.

GABA, a neurotransmitter that promotes relaxation, is produced from the amino acid glutamine, working with vitamin b6, vitamin c and magnesium, among others. Foods that contain glutamine include chicken, fish, eggs, beef, beets, dairy, beans and cabbage. A wide variety of fruits and vegetables contain vitamin c, and magnesium is found in specific beans, seeds, fish and green vegetables.

Tyrosine is an important amino acid that contributes to the production of dopamine. Food sources of tyrosine include fish, chicken, pork, whole grains, dairy, beans, nuts and seeds.

The reader may have already noticed that the common admonition to eat a wide variety of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and proteins applies to managing anxiety and depression. As the intention of this article is to provide a broad overview, the above examples are illustrative. The reader is encouraged to research and explore more of the specific proteins, vitamins and minerals that manufacture the various neurotransmitters and which foods support their production.

The Benefit of Whole Foods

Because many of the nutrients that our bodies need to manufacture neurotransmitters now come for sale in a bottle at our neighborhood stores, a word about eating whole foods is in order. In their book Paradox & Healing, Dr. Michael Greenwood and Dr. Peter Nunn discuss the Chinese Traditional Medicine (CTM) concept of “Qi,” or, energy, that is a part of whole foods. They contend, “ …it is the “whole” herb or food which has the Qi and its strengthening properties, not any isolated extract which is called for. In other words, the difference between taking vitamin C in capsules and eating fruit which contains the vitamin is profound.” Recent research into the benefits of phytonutrients found in whole fruits and vegetables corroborates the concept of Qi.

Likewise, in his book Food Rules, Michael Pollan says that, “Foods are more than the sum of their nutrient parts, and those nutrients work together in ways that are still only dimly understood.”  Pollan is a reporter who set out to investigate all of the competing dietary claims in the media. He discovered a very simple truth, which is that the Western diet, with all of its processed foods that he calls “edible foodlike substances,” makes people sick, and traditional diets, no matter what whole, natural foods they consist of, promote wellness. Pollan sums up his discovery of what we should eat in what he calls seven simple words: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

Supplements

Having made a case for the benefit of whole foods, our attention will now turn to the possible benefits of nutritional supplements that come in bottles. Just as in some cases prescription medicine is indicated, there are cases also where nutritional supplements, under a doctor’s supervision, are beneficial. These situations might include cases of nutritional deficiency, attempting to overcome an addiction, as advocated by Dr. Gant, or as a personal preference to combat the effects of anxiety and depression.

Many studies have shown and proven the efficacy of treating various conditions with nutritional supplements. Conversely, concern for supplement use may include the body subsequently under producing the item being supplemented, or other imbalances. (Always consult a doctor when considering nutritional supplements, as they can be harmful or even fatal in excess amounts or when combined with certain conditions.)

Of the many supplements on the market today, a few examples will suffice here. If increased serotonin is desired, a product called 5 HTP may be indicated. The amino acid tryptophan turns into 5HTP in the body along the way to making serotonin. GABA can be purchased directly, as can the amino acid tyrosine, which the body uses to make norepenephrine and dopamine. Fish oil aids in overall brain health, and multivitamins enable the chemicals in our body to do their work.

Inositol is another nutrient for sale that contributes to brain health and helps the body metabolize nutrients. Dr. Fred Penzel reports success in his studies with inositol and trichotillomania (hair pulling), to cite one example.

Herbs, such as St. John’s Wort and hormones, such as estrogen, testosterone and thyroid, are also sometimes indicated in the treatment of depression. As with any supplement, careful attention must be paid to combining herbs and hormones with other treatments, and should take place only under a doctor’s supervision.

SAM-e and Methylation

A popular and increasingly well known product on the market today is SAM-e, which is a naturally occurring substance in the body whose function is to act as a catalyst promoting the chemical reactions that allow the body to produce desired substances. These chemical reactions are known as methylation pathways. SAM-e’s benefit is in taking the raw materials available in the body and producing the desired result, including the regulation of neurotransmitters. Many studies have shown the benefit of SAM-e to alleviate depression.

Conclusion

Individuals who are seeking ways to address their anxiety and depression without or in conjunction with prescription medication may find that a well balanced regime of exercise, meditation, proper rest, social support, work with a therapist, and attention to diet may give them the help and relief they are looking for. For the diet portion of this plan, whole foods are essential. Supplements can be added under a doctor’s care and may be beneficial, but do not take the place of whole foods. Informed consultation with a doctor or therapist may help determine an individual’s best course of action, and some trial and error may be expected along the way to discovering what combination of elements will work best.

Bibliography and Recommended Reading:

Food Rules, by Michael Pollan

End Your Addiction Now: The Proven Nutritional Supplement Program That Can Set You Free, by Dr. Charles Gant and Dr. Greg Lewis

Paradox and Healing: Medicine, Mythology & Transformation, by Dr. Michael Greenwood & Dr. Peter Nunn

Web site, The World’s Healthiest Foods, http://www.whfoods.com/

Web site, The Podell Medical Practice: Merging Traditional Medical Practice and Alternative Therapies, http://www.drpodell.org

July 8, 2010

Practicing Yoga Off the Mat

by Dr. Melissa Kulick, Ph.D., RYT

While the physical practices of yoga have enjoyed increased popularity in the west over the past several decades, yoga is, in fact, an ancient philosophy and spiritual approach to being.  The word “yoga” comes from the Sanskrit word yuj, which means “to yoke,” and is often translated as “union.”  Yoga is an interfaith practice, meaning it does not require the practitioner to hold any particular spiritual or religious belief — or any at all.  It simply encourages us to adopt a certain way of being with ourselves, both on and off the mat.

When we practice yoga on the mat we are looking for that place in each asana (pose) where we find our “edge.”  The edge is any physical, mental, or emotional experience that is challenging to us without being overwhelming; a place of effort and engagement but not strain.  It is the challenges we encounter that allow us to stretch and grow.

Finding our edge in a given moment or situation allows us to feel safe and remain open — to be present exactly where we are — as we encounter life’s challenges.  For someone faced with a huge task that leaves them feeling stuck in avoidance and procrastination, finding their edge may mean breaking the task down into small, manageable pieces, or allowing them to set time limits for themselves on each work session.  For someone confronting an addiction, it might be asking a trusted friend to accompany them to a first twelve-step meeting.  Staying mindful of our edge in a given moment is crucial in creating an optimal working environment in psychotherapy — where the safety exists that allows for deep transformational work to occur at pace where one stretches and grows without feeling overwhelmed.

On the mat, it is said that we are not ‘practicing yoga’ if we are attempting to force a pose – to push our body beyond our edge. If we are experiencing pain (as opposed to the sensations of a tight muscle experiencing a stretch, or feeling a pose in a joint) or if we are not able to maintain steady breath in our posture, then we are likely forcing our bodies beyond a state of wellness and balance.

Learning – encouraging and training ourselves – to recognize when in our lives we are attempting to force something to happen, is a valuable tool. A great deal of tension and unhappiness is caused when we try to control outcomes (by some form of ‘scheme’ or manipulation) or ignore obstacles and resistances that are telling us that the direction in which we are trying to move is not in our best or highest interest. Yoga teaches us to turn to and within ourselves, and become better attention-payers to the messages available to us – to our breath and body, and to the more obvious and subtler voices of our intuition.

Mindfulness is a central component in the practice of yoga, often referred to as developing the witness mind.  The witness mind simply observes the thoughts that fill and move through our head, as well as the sensations in, and movements of, our bodies.   As witness, we are taking note of — compassionately.  What we are not doing is judging or comparing, though we may well notice that the thoughts running through our mind in that moment are doing just that (e.g., “She’s so much more flexible than me.  I stink at this.”)  You might also notice that your thoughts have jumped right out of the current moment, for instance to what you are going to eat for dinner that night.  When our witness mind observes that we have engaged in judgment or left the present moment, it simply names the experience “judging” or “not present” and returns to focus on the pose and on the breath — with compassion and without judging where we’d just been.

The physical practice of yoga on the mat can literally be ‘practice’ for living that same way of relating to ourselves off the mat.  After experiencing our witness mind on the mat, we may find ourselves having difficulty completing a task at work and notice we have begun to berate ourselves inside our head. Once we have noticed and acknowledged the thought, we can simply take a breath and let it go, returning to the task at hand. Or we may be engaged in a conversation with a good friend who is telling us about some fabulous trip she has planned, and we hear some petty or jealous thought line begin.  Again, once we are aware of the thoughts, we can choose to simply acknowledge their presence and let them go, without further indulging them or putting ourselves down for having them.

When we practice yoga on the mat we experience poses, and our bodies in poses, differently from day to day.  I have heard it said that we bring a different body to the mat every day.  Yoga teaches us to be unattached to — and not defined by — the body we brought to the mat yesterday or might bring tomorrow. “Beginner’s mind” is a term often used to refer to this coming to the mat without any assumptions, needs or expectations of what we will encounter or experience there. We use our witness mind or our beginner’s mind in the course of our daily lives when we similarly notice the stream of thoughts running through our heads and the movements and sensations of the body, and choose not to identify with, buy into or react to them.  We are not our thoughts, any more than we are the bodies we bring to the yoga mat or elsewhere.

The Breath

One of the primary things that set yoga apart from other forms of physical exercise is its focus on breath awareness.  Movements are linked with inhalation and exhalation, and the release of exhalation is often used to help us more deeply open into a pose.

The breath is a most powerful tool for helping us stay in the present moment.  My guru (yoga is historically an oral tradition passed from guru to chela, or student to teacher) teaches that, “If you can control your breath, you can control your mind. If you can control your mind, you can control your life.” By practicing breath awareness both on and off the mat, we gain the ability to practice another yogic tool, hesitation.  It is hesitation that allows us the moment to choose non-reactivity, non-judgment and compassion.

When you bring awareness to the breath, it becomes prana. Prana is life force energy.  There are many practices in yoga, called pranayama, which means “control of the life force”, that allow us to effect the flow of pranic energy within us.

One great way we can take our yoga practice off the mat is by practicing pranayama, or breathwork, wherever we need it.  Here are some basic techniques you can try when needed:

Ida Breath and Pingala Breath

Our nasal flow can have a lot to do with our energy.  There are three main energy channels that run along our spine.  The sushumna is the central channel and correlates with our spine.  The ida is the path of the left nostril.  Its energy is associated with the moon, and is gentle, cooling, and inward.  The pingala is the energy of the right nostril.  It is associated with the sun, and is more, fiery, outward, and strong.  Our typical breath is such that one nostril is dominant for a little less than two hours at a time, and then it is switched to the other side.

Ida Breath

Because the ida channel is gentle, cool and soothing, this breath can be used in situations where we are feeling anxious, overheated, or needing to calm or steady the mind.  It is also helpful for insomnia.

Technique:

Sit in a comfortable position with the spine upright and long.  Using the right hand, keeping the palm flat and fingers together, raise it up and use the thumb to block the right nostril.  Take long, deep breaths through the left nostril only.  You may want to begin with practicing this for 3 minutes and build up to 11 minutes.  If you start to feel your energy getting out of balance, you can restore balance with a right nostril breath.

Pingala Breath

Because the pingala channel is powerful, hot and dynamic, this breath can be used when we need to stimulate or increase our physical or mental energy.

Technique:

Sit in a comfortable position with the spine upright and long.  Using the left hand, keeping the palm flat and fingers together, raise it up and use the thumb to block the left nostril.  Take long, deep breaths through the right nostril only.  You may want to begin with practicing this for 3 minutes and build up to 11 minutes.  If you start to feel your energy getting out of balance, you can restore balance with a left nostril breath.

Ujayii Breath

Translated as the “victorious breath,” the ujayii breath is a breath commonly encouraged of practitioners to maintain throughout their asana practices. Also referred to as “the ocean-sounding breath” for the sound created in its practice, this breath is considered the most effective yogic breath for reducing stress and anxiety.  The sound, itself, can be incredibly soothing.

Technique:

The breath is like sighing with your mouth closed. Begin by inhaling through your mouth making a sighing sound and, while still inhaling, close your mouth. See if you can still hear the sound. You’re essentially drawing breath across the back of your throat, over the glottis. As you exhale, begin again with your mouth open making a sighing sound, then continue the breath as you close your mouth. Once you feel comfortable with it and can hear the sound on both the inhale and exhale continue the breath with your mouth closed only. This breath can be done as a regular practice for a set amount of time (e.g., 3 or 11 minutes) or can be done at any time during your day when you are feeling a need to bring greater calmness to your being.

Karma Yoga

Here’s one final note on another fabulous way to practice yoga off the mat.  As mentioned earlier, yoga is a thousands-year-old philosophy of being.  One path of yoga, karma yoga (karma literally translates as “action”) focuses on the performance of seva, selfless service, as a path to enlightenment and liberation.  Even if enlightenment and liberation are not what you are after, I honestly know of no better way to pull myself out of a crappy mood than step outside myself and give to/help/serve someone else. To quote a swami I know, it’ll help you “get over your cheap self.”  You can do this in a large way by volunteering your time to feed or serve the poor or ill, but you can also do this by making the effort to hold the door for the person coming out of the store as you’re going in, or by making a point of smiling, making eye contact with, and saying hello to people you pass on the street — without being attached to the response.  It costs us nothing.  And since, as another yogic teaching tells us, “energy follows thought,” holding that openness of thought and heart toward others will create an open flow of energy within our own being.

On or off the mat, you need to be nothing but the truth of who you are in this – and every –  moment.

Namaste.

Recommended Reading

Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi

Yoga and the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope

In addition to her psychotherapy practice, Melissa, who is a certified teacher of Classical Yoga and Kali Natha Yoga, is also developing yoga sets specifically designed to address various mental health issues.

April 22, 2010

Transitions

Filed under: 2010 Articles,Career Planning & Life Direction,Lisa's Articles — karunacounseling @ 2:22 pm
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by Lisa Anyan Smith, Ph. D.

“I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same”

~ David Bowie, “Changes”

Change is an inevitable part of life.  Transitions are all around us – births, deaths, graduations, anniversaries, moving to a new residence, marriage, divorce.  Beginnings and endings are occurring constantly.  Some are small and mundane:  the ringing of the alarm clock to signal the start of a new day, or the finishing of a good book.  Some are major and catastrophic:  the destruction of the World Trade Center buildings, or the recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile.

Some changes are initiated by us, while others are imposed upon us by outside forces, or seemingly fall from the sky out of the blue.  Some transitions feel more welcome and comfortable than others.  Some feel downright unpleasant.

What can we learn from change?  Perhaps the answer, in part, lies in chaos theory.  While musing about various changes I have experienced over the past year, I came across a book entitled “Seven Life Lessons of Chaos:  Timeless Wisdom from the Science of Change,” by John Briggs and F. David Peat  (New York:  HarperCollins, 1999).  The scientific term “chaos” refers to an underlying interconnectedness that exists in apparently random events.  Briggs and Peat deftly relate some of the complexities of chaos theory to everyday life, and I would like to share some of their lessons with you.

Lesson One:  Being Creative In each moment, we have the opportunity to let go of prejudices and automatic habits.  This letting go frees us to be open to the power of uncertainty, and thus creativity.

Lesson Two: Using Butterfly Power Chaos theory suggests that each one of us possesses the power of “subtle influence,” much like the idea of a butterfly flapping its wings on one continent that leads to hundreds of thousands of tiny interconnected events that culminate in a hurricane on another continent.

Lesson Three:  Going with the Flow Consensus decision-making models involve much deliberation and discussion before an agreement is reached.  The process can feel chaotic.  However, when a decision is reached, all parties claim ownership and are committed to the decision.

Lesson Four:  Exploring What’s Between Chaos theory holds that life is both simple and complex.  When life seems most complicated, a simple solution may be just around the bend.  Conversely, what appears simple on the surface may be incredibly complicated.

Lesson Five:  Seeing the Art of the World Chaos is as much about art as it is about science.  William Blake urged us to …”see the world in a grain of sand, and an eternity in an hour…”  While observing birds, squirrels, and chipmunks at your backyard feeder, you may notice that although there are repeating patterns, something unexpected and random occurs that keeps you engrossed.

Lesson Six:  Living Within Time Rather than thinking of time as a one-dimensional line running from past to future, chaos theory allows for elasticity in time.  I especially enjoyed the story of monk who stops to listen to the beautiful singing of a bird in the woods.  Upon returning to the monastery, he discovers new faces.  While he was listening, all his friends died and an entire century passed.

Lesson Seven:  Rejoining the Whole To live deeply and fully, we seek awareness.  Yet as soon as we sense that we are seeking, awareness escapes our grasp.  Chaos theory, as applied to change, requires that questions remain unanswered.  Perhaps we learn more from the journey, than when we reach the destination.

So how can chaos theory impact our everyday life, and what does it have to do with change?   Well-known to those participating in recovery programs is the Serenity Prayer, which asks  “…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.“   While we strive to effect positive changes from within, and struggle to adapt to changes that appear from without, we can remind ourselves that chaos does not necessarily need to be tamed.  Sometimes the path of least resistance is the way we are meant to follow.  Yet “least resistant” is not synonymous with “easy.”  Although we may not be able to make order of chaos, we can find calm within the storm.

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

~ Victor Frankl

February 13, 2010

The Five Love Languages

Filed under: 2010 Articles,Molly's Articles,Relationships & Intimacy — karunacounseling @ 6:59 pm
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By Molly Keeton, Ph.D.

The information in this article comes from a book by the same title “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman.

As I was reading this book, I found myself going back and forth in my response. One second I was thinking “this seems to be surface level sort of stuff – how profound of an impact can it really have?” The next minute, I was truly blown away by the depth of what could be communicated and healed by speaking one another’s love language. In the end, I found the concepts to be meaningful, relevant, and useful. While no one thing is going to be the solution to making love last, I believe this could be a valuable contributor. Learning one another’s love language (and actually taking the time to speak that language) not only offers love to one’s partner in a way that will make them feel the most loved, most secure, and most taken care of but also will convey investment and commitment to the relationship.

When I have come upon earlier editions of this book, I noticed that a very specific religious context was put upon the concepts. This is not the case in the most current version, which I read for this article. If you are looking for Christianity to be incorporated, you may enjoy the earlier edition. I am not certain what this might have added, but I can say that I did not find the book lacking in any way without this lens.

One final observation – I found the language in this book to be disappointingly heterosexist. The author often used the word “spouse” but mostly referred to “marriage”, “husband”, and “wife”. He made no mention of same sex relationships. It is never my preference to recommend a book that does not acknowledge and celebrate same sex relationships; however, I felt the information was valuable and wanted to share it. I also firmly believe that it applies to all people and relationships equally.

Falling in love, falling out of love

Human beings require love and affection. It is one of our most basic needs. The need to feel that we belong and are wanted is essential to the human experience and to our overall emotional health. This begins in infancy and childhood but does not end there. As adults, when we have that all consuming experience of falling “in love”, this need appears to be met in a very fulfilling way. When this happens, we feel as though we have met our soul mate. It is like heaven on earth – we could spend all day together and never run out of things to say. We have more in common with this person than we ever dreamed possible. They are a perfect fit to our best selves, our quirkiest selves, our truest selves. We hardly ever disagree, but when it happens, we are able to move on quickly. In dreaming of the future, we know bigger obstacles will come but are confident that we will triumph over them. Together we can work through anything because our love is special and we are truly committed.

Although our need to be loved is temporarily satisfied by early love, over time the euphoria begins to fade. Studies show that this infatuation stage of early romance can last up to about 2 years (it may last twice that long in the case of an affair) but does ultimately come to an end. “Welcome to the real world”… of partnership… “where hairs are always on the sink and little white spots cover the mirror… where shoes do not walk to the closet themselves… and socks go AWOL during laundry. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies and marriage a battlefield” (p. 30).

We ask ourselves if we were wrong, was our love not the real thing, was it not meant to last? The truth is that it wasn’t meant to last – not the obsession of early love, during which nothing else seems to matter (work, housekeeping, paying bills, seeing friends and family). It is virtually impossible to keep any balance in one’s life during that initial and overpowering stage of love. As such, it is a good thing for the world that it does not go on forever.

The sense of connection during the early “in love” stage gives us a false sense of intimacy. It also gives us a false sense of ourselves – in this phase, we are truly selfless. Giving to our partner is the most gratifying thing on earth. Their faults are easy to overlook. This is made easier by the fact that our partner feels the same way towards us – truly loving and altruistic. However, as life goes on we inevitably return to our own interests and needs and so does our partner. We realize again that we are two people, not one. Two people with different goals, needs, feelings, preferences. We may feel we are falling out of love, and in a way this is true once that all consuming “in love” feeling begins to diminish. At this point, many couples may split. They may believe their only alternative to moving on and hoping to find “the one” is to settle into a life of disappointment with this person who so clearly does not understand their needs. However, one other option does exist – to recognize that the “in love” experience was meant to be temporary and to learn how to have a truly intimate long term relationship with one’s partner. True love cannot really begin until the obsessional love phase has come to its conclusion.

“True love’ …is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct… if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love” (p. 32-33).

Love Languages

People speak one of five different love languages, usually the language of our caretakers, which we can think of as our native language. Each of the five basic love languages can contain a number of dialects. This means that there are countless ways to express love to one’s significant other while using their love language – the language that will truly make them feel loved. Over time, we may acquire new or different languages, but typically other languages will not come as easily as the primary language we were taught in our family of origin. One’s primary love language is likely to be drastically different from that of their spouse or significant other – possibly as different as English and Chinese. In order to communicate our love more effectively, we must be willing to identify our own love language, the language of our significant other, and to learn to speak one another’s love language.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are words that build another up. These are words that express love verbally. They may be complimentary or express appreciation. They are as varied as one’s imagination and may speak to physical appearance (“Wow, are you looking hot tonight!”), a character trait (“You always go above and beyond for the people you love”), or encouragement (“You have both the talent and passion required to become a great artist”).

Encouraging words

This literally means to “inspire courage”, to help build up our partner’s sense of security and self-esteem. This does not involve harassing your partner into doing something that you want them to do but helping them find the courage to pursue what is meaningful to them. It comes from a place of empathy and being able to see the world through one’s partner’s eyes.

Kind words

To truly communicate love verbally, one must use kind words and a tone that matches. This is especially important in the face of an argument. When spoken with kind words, even sharing a disappointment (“I was really hurt that you did not make it on time to dinner tonight”) can build connection.

Humble words

“Love makes requests, not demands” (p. 45). We need to know and understand one another’s desires in order to develop intimacy. Stating those desires as an order, a threat, or an ultimatum will not lead to connection. Sharing our needs and giving our partner a choice in meeting those is a way to guide them. Making a request of your partner indicates that s/he has something to offer, which affirms their worth.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

Quality time involves giving someone else your undivided attention. “When I sit with my”… partner… “and give her twenty minutes of my… time… and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other” (p. 56).

Focused attention

This is more than just being in proximity or doing something together while paying attention to other things. On the contrary, it is not limited to sitting quietly and looking into each other’s eyes or having hours of conversation about our hopes and dreams. Focused attention may involve an activity that one or both of you enjoy, but the activity itself is almost irrelevant because our intention in doing it is giving our attention to our partner.

Quality conversation

This is a very common love language that involves a true sharing of thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a loving and uninterrupted manner. We are focused on listening and truly hearing from our partner, encouraging them to share more of themselves. This is not likely to involve offering solutions or analyzing what they are saying but being attuned to your partner’s feelings.  You may have to learn to listen to offer this love language, and you also may have to learn to talk – to share openly from your heart and let your partner see inside of you.

Quality activities

These include any activity in which at least one of you has an interest, but again,the emphasis is on the why and not the what of the activity. The meaning behind the activity is to experience something together, to express love by doing this thing together, and to add to your memories of meaningful time spent together.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

“At the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse” (p. 82). A gift is a tangible thing that can be given, a symbol of one another’s love that can be seen and felt. Giving someone a gift involves thinking of them, and the gift becomes symbolic of this thoughtfulness. For people who speak this love language, having a visual symbol of their partner’s love is incredibly meaningful. Gifts may be bought, made, or found. The value of the gift or the money spent is not the key component here. It rarely matters what the cost of the gift is unless it is thought to be very far outside of what one can afford (in either direction).

If receiving gifts is the primary love language of your partner, you may have to alter your beliefs about how money should be spent. If gift giving seems frivolous to you, think of creative ways to give that don’t involve too much money. And when it comes to the times that money needs to be spent, think of it as an investment in your relationship.

Also, be aware that the gift of self can be powerful, especially for those who see love in visual ways. Giving of yourself by being present during a special event or a time of difficulty may speak volumes to your partner.

Love language #4: Acts of Service

To do an act of service is to do something for your partner that you s/he would like to have done. Acts of service “require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love” (p. 92). Acts of service could include doing the dishes, getting the tires rotated, hanging a picture, cleaning the litter box, paying bills, or making a call to the mortgage company. Oftentimes, this doing for one another is a regular part of the “in love” phase but fades out once a long term relationship begins.

Doing acts of service does not mean to become a slave or a doormat. It is not to become a servant or to give in to manipulation, coercion, guilt, or demands. It means giving to our partner through taking on some of the tasks of daily life and expressing one’s love by relieving your partner of that particular burden. Getting comfortable with giving acts of service may require re-examining what you learned about what it is to be a man or a woman in a relationship and letting go of some outdated stereo-types (you may find their effect whether you are in an opposite or same sex relationship).

Love language #5: Physical Touch

“Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally” (p. 112). The sense of touch is incredibly powerful for human beings. Many studies have shown that babies who are affectionately touched more often are physically stronger and more resilient and grow up to be emotionally healthier.

Unlike the other senses, touch is not limited to one part of our body.  Physical touch can communicate a variety of things – love, hate, tenderness, aggression. For a person who speaks this as their primary love language, touch may communicate far more than words ever can. The dialects are also infinite in the language of physical touch – what one person finds meaningful may do little for someone else. You must learn to speak each other’s dialect when it comes to physical touch and never assume that what feels good or loving to you applies equally to your partner.

Loving physical touch can be explicit or implicit. Explicit touch requires effort and attention (a massage or sexual interaction). Implicit loving touch may take less time and effort but does require thought and intentionality. This could be sitting close to one another, touching them as you pass by, giving a quick kiss when saying hello, or holding hands as you walk together.

Sex may be a primary dialect within this language, but not all need for physical touch should be assumed to be sexual. Also, a strong and frequent desire for sex does not necessarily mean that physical touch is one’s primary love language. If you find little meaning or interest in being physically affectionate outside of sex, then physical touch is not likely to be your primary love language, even if your craving for sex is quite intense.

Identifying your love language

Just reading the brief descriptions of the five languages may have clearly illuminated to you what your primary love language is. You may or may not be able to guess the language of your partner as well. If you would like to do a more formal assessment, there are questionnaires in the book. Another option that Chapman recommends is reflecting on the following questions:

  • How do you most often show love to others? When you want to express to someone that they mean a lot to you, do you find yourself doing nice things for them (acts of service) or writing them a note to tell them how much you care (words of affirmation)?
  • What have been your typical complaints to your partner within your relationship? Do you find yourself expressing frustration over not spending enough time together (quality time) or wishing s/he would do more to help around the house (acts of service)? These complaints will shed light on your unmet needs. And if you are not sure of the answer to this question, ask your partner. They are very likely to know your complaints.
  • What do you ask your partner for most often? Do you find yourself asking for a backrub or hug (physical touch), for a token of their feelings (gifts), or for encouragement when you want to pursue something (words of affirmation)?

January 1, 2010

Forgive to Live

forgiveness

By Micky O’Leary, PhD

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.
~Lily Tomlin

A man convicted of several random murders was recently executed. The media coverage around this event was extensive. Among the reports were interviews with survivors of the victims.

One survivor was planning to be present at the execution – his way of seeing that the man who killed his loved one suffered in some measure for his deed. However, another survivor stated that he did not plan to attend and, in fact, was not interested in the details of the execution. He said he had forgiven the murderer and felt no hatred or animosity toward him.

I have heard stories like this before. Each time, I tried to put myself in the place of the survivors. Would I, could I, offer the same level of generosity that the second person showed? Or might I be like the first person, looking for some retribution to satisfy my hurt, anger, and overwhelming loss?

While few of us (thankfully) experience the pain associated with the murder of a loved one, none of us escapes this life without at times feeling hurt or betrayed in our relationships with others. What gives some of us the ability to forget these hurts and go on with our lives? And what keeps some of us in bondage to the injury we have experienced and the grievance we have created?

To forgive is to set a person free and discover that the prisoner was you.
~Louis Smedes

Forgiveness means different things to many people. I have often heard quoted the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” example from The Bible. Others have expressed their feelings about hurt and betrayal as “Don’t get mad; get even.” In a culture that uses weapons to settle the score, forgiveness is often equated with weakness. Dr. Fred Luskin, a well known researcher in the field of forgiveness, notes matter-of-factly that “Forgiveness is a tough sell.”

Indeed, forgiveness can be a tough sell if we see it as a gift we give the person who offended us. Framed in that light, forgiveness may seem like an insult (to ourselves) on top of injury.

But what if we could see forgiveness as a gift we give ourselves? For example, have you ever found yourself reliving and rehashing an injustice you have suffered? As you play the scene again and again in your mind, your anger and resentment continues – and often grows. You feed the memory by giving it “air time” on your own personal station and, in the process, create a grievance story which takes time and attention to keep alive. In other words, we take the memory of our injury – and the person who injured us – and let them live “rent free” in our head and heart.

Everyone gets hurt. It’s one price of living. What is the point of prolonging the hurt? Yet that is what we do when we make the choice to hold on to a grudge. And as we relive and revive the hurt, we also re-inflict the physical and emotional stress that we initially felt.

Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Researchers studying forgiveness have found that people who are able to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge (Remember the earlier example of the man who had forgiven the murderer?) benefit in numerous ways. Among the many ways are reduced stress levels, less depression, less anger and hostility, a reduction in chronic pain, more satisfying relationships, and improved emotional and psychological well being.

The fact is: Stress hurts. It takes its toll on our bodies as well as our general enjoyment of life. And there are few things as stressful as continuing to experience and focus on the bad things that have happened to us in our lives.

If you know the process of healing from a physical wound, you can understand the experience of healing from an emotional one. In both cases, the hurt is not forgotten, but it ceases to interfere with our daily life. The power that it once held over our thoughts and feelings recedes and we are free to focus on the present moment.

However, one of the reasons that forgiveness can be a “tough sell” is that some of us may confuse it with forgetting what happened, condoning what happened, or reconciling with the person who hurt us. None of those things is necessary for us to forgive. What is necessary is that we make the choice to release ourselves from the emotional tether that keeps us feeling connected to the past.

When you hold resentment toward another,
you are bound to that
person or condition
by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
~Catherine Ponder

While forgiveness takes time (and a commitment to personal freedom), it also requires that we be able to step outside our own experience to see the ways in which we may be contributing to keeping our own pain alive. For instance, if we are hurt and angry because a situation did not turn out as we had expected/hoped (e.g., our partner decides to end our relationship), we keep the pain alive when we tell ourselves that our life is not turning out the way it should. In other words, we are angry because we cannot control what has happened. We have an “unenforceable” rule about the way we want others to behave or the way we think life must look.

Losing a partner, like many other experiences in life, is usually painful. But blaming that person for our unhappiness also means that we are giving them control of our happiness. If I attribute my unhappiness to another person, then I am simultaneously giving them the key to my own well being.

Equally important as forgiving others is the ability to forgive ourselves. As we grow in acceptance of life’s disappointments, imperfections and losses, we learn that we also make mistakes. We realize that we are not perfect. We understand that sometimes we make bad decisions. Being human means that sometimes we fail and cause other people harm.

As I mentioned before, forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. When we choose to let go of our anger and resentment toward ourselves or another, we are also choosing the peace that comes with being free of those negative feelings. We are choosing to take back our personal power, assume responsibility for our own feelings, promote self healing and be the hero of our story instead of the victim. We are choosing to construct the story of our grievance in such a way that we can acknowledge the pain without getting stuck in it, recognize that life gives us both positive and negative experiences, and know that we can hope for the good and forgive the bad.

We are choosing to release our past in order to heal our present.

You will know that forgiveness has begun
when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.

~Louis Smedes

feather forgiveness

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