Growing Gratitude

by Micky O’Leary, Ph.D.

Let me begin by acknowledging that Gratitude and I got off to a rocky start. As a child, gratitude often meant being reminded how lucky I was to have a loving family, a roof over my head, an education, etc. I was taught to be polite, to say “thank you” for gifts, whether I liked them or not, to express appreciation for whatever was done for me or given to me.

I remember one Saturday evening in particular. I was about 11 years old and my mother prepared chicken livers for dinner. As we gathered around the table, I expressed my dislike (perhaps, even contempt) for the main dish, to which my father replied that I should be grateful for this nutritious food and be glad that I was not one of the starving children in  (you are free to select an appropriate third world country of the 1950s). After we said Grace, he went on to inform me that I would have plenty of opportunities to learn gratitude for this delicious meal because it would be served every Saturday night from then on.

Fortunately (and for this I was truly grateful), his threat was short-lived and it was only a few weeks before we returned to more appetizing meals like meatloaf. Not surprisingly, I never did develop a liking  for chicken livers, despite my parents’ best efforts. What I do have now, some 50 years later, is a deep and loving appreciation for the childhood meals we shared in our family kitchen, my mother’s commitment to providing us wonderful home-cooked meals, and my parents’ desire that I learn to value what was given to me, even if I didn’t always like it.

Developing gratitude has been a life long journey, with an experience of it that has grown deeper over time. I am often reminded of the Joni Mitchell song “Big Yellow Taxi.” Its refrain is “Don’t it always seem to go that we don’t know what we’ve got til it’s gone….” For many of us, gratitude grows from an awareness of what we’ve lost, or what we stand to lose. For example, how much easier is it to appreciate good health after recovering from a serious accident or illness? Or to value electricity after a lengthy power outage? Or to feel gratitude for our remaining friends and family after one of them dies?

Loss is not always a precursor to gratitude. It is possible to appreciate life’s gifts without it. For instance, think of how children squeal with glee when experiencing a winter snowfall (and the subsequent day off from school). Perhaps you can remember a trip to the beach and seeing the sunset across the water. Or you may be able to recall the excitement and anticipation of a new romance.

However, learning gratitude through loss is an opportunity to deepen our understanding and appreciation of life from a new perspective. Shakti Gawain notes that it is difficult to get in touch with our gratitude when life is hard and we are going through a difficult time. However, with patience and perspective, these “healing crises” can provide meaning and purpose in our life’s journey. For instance, the sudden loss of someone dear to us can show us how “life turns on a dime” and remind us of the fragility and beauty of each moment we have. The unexpected loss of employment can force us to re-evaluate our career goals and options, perhaps leading us to a more rewarding or fulfilling work. Or a reduced level of income may force us to alter our lifestyle, finding a way to live more simply. We can, in the most difficult of times, learn to recognize – and appreciate — our greatest gifts and assets, as well as our “growing edges” – the lessons that we are be challenged to learn. In short, we can take these painful experiences and let them soften and expand our hearts, or harden and contract them.

According to Julie Keene, minister and author, gratitude is closely connected to trust. “In order to be thankful for everyone and everything in my life, I need to trust that the Universe makes sense, that everything my soul has chosen to experience this lifetime has been for my ultimate Highest Good.” Once we are able to appreciate whatever life brings us, it is easier for us to then begin living in a place of contentment and gratitude. Our heart is able to find and dwell in a place of joy.

As I consider what I have written so far, I must admit it looks deceptively simple, a bit like “A Guide to Enlightenment in three short paragraphs.” Finding and living in a place of gratitude is not instantaneous nor without some effort. But be assured, it brings immense rewards.

Benefits of Gratitude as a Practice

There are more than a few reasons to incorporate more gratitude into our lives. Having an “attitude of gratitude” causes us to interact with others from a place of fullness. They are attracted by our energy and feel our appreciation. On the other hand, when our glass is “half empty,” we emit a negativity that tends to repel others and we experience less support.

James Eubanks, an author, columnist and astrologer, notes that it is impossible to feel worry, anger, depression, or any negative emotion in the presence of genuine gratitude:  “The practice of gratitude saves us from our painful human storyline, for it requires us to look deeper into our lives and the people around us. The surface rarely holds depth; rather, it obscures it. Gratitude enriches and deepens the colorful fabric of our lives by allowing us to see more.”

Cultivating gratitude has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others. In a recent experiment at the University of Kentucky, students who turned in an essay were either praised for it or given harsh criticism. Then each student was allowed to play a computer game with the person who gave them the evaluation. The winner could administer a blast of white noise to the loser. Those who had received criticism about their essay retaliated against their opponent by giving an especially loud blast – much louder than those given by students receiving positive feedback.

However, an interesting exception occurred among students who had been instructed to write their essays about gratitude. Even if their feedback was negative, they didn’t feel compelled to blast their opponents at a higher volume. The researchers viewed the results as an indication that gratitude also reduces aggressive behavior.

 

Suggestions for Practice

Gratitude grows best when it is cultivated. John Kralik, a California attorney and judge, has written about his experience of gratitude in a touching book, 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily GratitudeChanged My Life. He had reached a point in his life when he felt as if he had lost almost everything that mattered to him. His business was failing, his second marriage was ending, his living conditions were undesirable and he felt distance between himself and his two older children. He was angry and despairing and out of shape. On New Year’s Day he was struck by the thought that his life could be better if he could find a way to focus on the things he had, rather than those he had lost. He made a commitment to himself to write 365 thank you notes over the next year. The resulting story is an endearing and encouraging account of the personal changes he experienced in that process.

Another way to begin a practice of gratitude is with what Robert Emmons of the University of California calls “gratitude lite.” It involves keeping a journal listing five things for which you feel grateful. The list is brief – only one sentence per item – and is done only once a week. The research he did with Michael McCullough of the University of Miami showed that after two months, there were significant changes among the journal keepers, compared with a control group. They felt more optimistic and happier. They reported fewer physical problems and spent more time working out.

One suggestion for bringing more gratitude into your life is planning a “gratitude visit.” Psychologist Martin Seligman recommends writing a 300 word letter to someone who changed your life for the better. Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Then deliver it in person without telling the person in advance what the visit is about. When you get there, read the whole letter slowly and out loud to the other person. According to Seligman, if you do this, within a month you will feel happier.

Other possibilities include keeping a gratitude calendar which emphasizes different blessings in each month; performing a service or volunteering to help someone; saying “thank you” often and with sincerity.

One especially lovely practice is the “Hugging Meditation” described by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh:

1. Hug someone three times, breathing in and out with awareness;
2. On the first breath in and out, both of you think about how, at sometime, you don’t know when, you will no longer be here;
3. The second time, focus on how, at sometime, the other person will no longer be here;
4. The third time, truly take in that you are both here now, together in this precious moment.

Finally, if you should find your gratitude aptitude getting especially challenged, remember what Buddha wrote:

“Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little,
and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick,
and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die;
so, let us all be thankful.”

Suggested Reading

Kralik, John.  A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life. New York: Hyperion, 2011.

Hay, Louise L.  Gratitude: A Way of Life. New York: Hay House, 1996.

Ryan, M.J.  Attitudes of Gratitude: How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life. San Francisco: Conari Press, 1999.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

by Darby Christopher, LMSW

A new wave of well researched and effective therapies has emerged in recent years. Examples include Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and others. This article will focus on the process and benefits of ACT, which primarily provides tools that can be applied to everyday life, with or without the help of an ACT therapist.

Overview

The primary goal of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, according to Dr. Russell Harris, is the attainment of “psychological flexibility.” This refers to an ability to be open to the present moment, a perhaps deceptively simple yet powerful concept. When we are psychologically flexible, we are able to feel and to observe what shows up in our lives, without clinging to it too tightly.

If much our suffering results from how we respond to sadness, a depressed mood, anxiety or anger, then ACT provides the tools necessary to not worsen the situation by reacting to it or fighting with it. The result is greater self acceptance, less time focused on negative possibilities, and more time invested in valued action.

ACT often uses metaphors to convey its ideas, and a metaphor is helpful here. Suppose  that a certain set of circumstances triggers a depressed reaction in me, and let’s say that this depressed reaction is like a branch that is floating down a stream. Any of the ways that I fight with this depression – whether by feeling badly about it, denying it or trying to avoid it by destructive means – are ways that I am damning up the stream that will not allow the branch to flow through. ACT provides the tools that will help keep me from doing this, so that I will be more able to watch the branch come, flow through and float by.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy falls under the broad category of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). However, it also follows a current trend in CBT to avoid counteracting symptoms, and to instead embrace the stance and practice of mindfulness.

ACT Tools

What are these tools? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy focuses on 6 core processes that work together. Each one requires effort, and will probably not be mastered over the course of a life time. The goal is to get better at them and experience more freedom, rather than perfection. Let’s look at each one individually.

• Defusion. This refers to an ability to watch and observe our thoughts and emotions, and to create a little distance between our selves and the thought or feeling. This step is not easy because we often tend not to be aware of our thoughts. With defusion, we slow down and observe ourselves having thoughts and feelings. Next, if appropriate and helpful, a step can be taken to see the thought as perhaps a part of me, but not attached to my deepest identity, and therefore capable of change. 

• Acceptance. This refers to how I relate to the thoughts and feelings that show up in me. Am I mad at them? Do I hate them and wish they would go away? Do I treat them like unwanted guests? Or, conversely, do I welcome even the painful thoughts and feelings that show up in me, knowing they could have some useful information for me? Do I love these parts and treat them with compassion? Loving what shows up in us leads to relaxation and an ability to listen to ourselves.

• Contact With The Present Moment. To make contact with the present moment is to experience some sense of vitality right now. The requirements for this may shift as our moments shift. When we engage our observing self, we may pay attention to our sense of sight, smell, hearing, sound or touch, we may look inward and pay attention to our inner sensations, and we might do both of these at once. If we are dealing with a painful experience from our past, we will pay attention to our bodies and feeling experience, rather than ruminating over the facts of the past. Staying focused on the feeling sensations in our bodies allows us to be informed by them, as opposed to diverting our attention and missing out on the message they may offer us. Contact with the present moment often involves slowing down to be present with others, nature, and our own selves.

• Self-As-Context. This refers to an ability to be in touch with the deeper part of me that is doing all of this observing. When we build our “self-as-context” muscle, we are able to know that there is a part of us that endures and stays steady through the day to day and even moment to moment changes in our lives. Why is this important? Knowing ourselves in this way facilitates the goal of psychological flexibility. If I know that I am so much more than my thoughts and feelings, then I won’t get too attached to them. (However I will still know and honor them as important, and give them their proper place in my life.)

• Values. This refers to an ability to know what is important to me, and to allow myself to be guided and instructed by this knowledge. We are all given a certain amount of time on this earth to live in this life time. How do I want to spend it? What matters to me? What do I wish to leave behind? Getting in touch with my values both gives me a compass and a sense of deeper meaning.

• Committed Action. Once I know what my values are, what do I want to do to act on them? What possibilities am I willing to try out? How could my life take on more vitality by my action(s)? 

Conclusion

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy provides useful tools to stay open and present to the moment. There are times when using these tools may seem difficult, if not impossible. With practice, however, they can be useful in even the most difficult situations. ACT does not take the place of other types of important work that also help us be more present to our lives, such as grief work, trauma work, and understanding how our past experiences affect us. ACT can stand on its own as a useful and healing therapy, and can be used in powerful ways in conjunction with other types of therapies.

Resources

The Happiness Trap: How To Stop Struggling And Start Living, by Russ Harris, 2008

Act Made Simple, by Russ Harris, 2009 (Note: This book is written primarily for therapists, though anyone may benefit from reading it.)

NEWS FLASH: Scientific Evidence Supports Being Nice To Yourself

By
Claire N. Scott, Ph.D.

I was delighted to see a recent article in a psychology journal that offers scientific evidence that being nice to ourselves is a more skillful way of dealing with our screw-ups than being hard on ourselves.  Most of us fear that if we take the pressure off ourselves, we will screw up even worse.  Not so, says this article.  In fact, it is self-criticism actually increases the likelihood that you’ll screw up even more.  Hard to believe?  Read on.

Being kind to oneself doesn’t come easily to most people.  We tend to be much better at caring for others.  History reveals evidence of humans and other species showing kindness toward one another. Our primate relatives groom one another and care for their young. Fossil evidence has shown that at least a million years ago, early humans cared for others with severe physical deformities. Those social behaviors seem rooted in our brain physiology.  It’s obvious from both psychology and physiology, that we’re intrinsically compassionate beings.  (Gilbert)

Why then the disconnect when it comes to being compassionate toward ourselves?  While we might have no trouble telling a friend who’s messed up not to beat themselves up about it, we have a surprisingly hard time turning that advice toward ourselves.  We are often harder on ourselves than we are on others.  Some people who grew up in supportive homes with understanding parents are more likely to be kind to themselves, but the majority of us are not very compassionate toward ourselves.  Self-compassion is something that actually needs to be taught to most people, especially people who tend to be self-critical,  anxious or depressed.   (Neff)

The reverse is also true, i.e., the kinder a person is to him/herself, the higher the sense of emotional well-being they have.   For example, in a study of women who were HIV positive, it was found that the women with a high degree of compassion for themselves tended to practice safe sex and disclose their HIV status to sexual partners more frequently than the women who showed little compassion for themselves.  The benefits of our being compassionate toward ourselves carry over into our self-care and regard for others.  (Leary)

People who are compassionate to themselves are also more likely to seek medical care if they need it.  The more self-critical a person is, the more unlikely they are to seek care.  In one study of elderly people, those with health problems and a healthy sense of self compassion reported similar levels of happiness and emotional well-being as those of elderly people who had NO health problems.  The researcher suggested: “It’s like self-compassion erases the emotional fallout of some of the problems associated with aging.”  (Leary)

In a study related to eating behavior, female college students were asked to eat doughnuts in what was described as a taste-test experiment.  One group of the women were “conditioned for self-compassion” by statements from the test administrators such as “Everyone eats unhealthily sometimes, and everyone in this study eats this stuff, so there’s no reason to feel  bad about it.”  Another group of women were not “conditioned” with these statements.  After the doughnut test, all the women were asked to participate in a taste test of various candies. The group of women who were “conditioned for self-compassion” ate less candy than the women who were not “conditioned for self-compassion”.  Previous studies have shown that people who are recurrent dieters do tend to overeat unhealthy foods after a “slip.”   One suggested explanation is that dieters are already feeling guilty about the first slip, and that they engage in more ‘emotional eating’ to deal with the pain of the guilt.  This study suggests that self-compassion may limit the distress that leads to later emotional eating binges.  (Leary)

Overweight individuals aren’t the only ones with something to gain from a kinder-to-self approach. A growing body of research suggests that self-compassion offers the same positive benefits of self-esteem — without the negatives.  (The negatives to self-esteem can be seen in people who appear arrogant  and in people whose self-esteem is dependent upon approval or success.)  Self-compassion is a way to develop healthy self-esteem that does not have the negative aspects that the more tenuous kinds of self-esteem can have.  Another benefit of self-compassion vs. self-esteem is that all too often a high sense of self-esteem encourages attempts to weed out all the negatives about oneself in order to become perfect.  Self-compassion is based more on a sense of wholeness, acknowledging that all of us are human and so susceptible to human error and imperfection.   (Neff)

Definition of Self-Compassion

One researcher posits that self-compassion has three main components.  One is to be understanding [toward yourself] rather than self-judgmental. “Most people’s internal dialogue is actually quite harsh,” she says. “The self-kindness part requires reframing your dialogue so that you’re kind and supportive [toward yourself].”  (Neff)

The second component involves framing your personal experience as a typical human experience.  When something goes awry — your car breaks down on the highway, say, or you get passed over for a promotion at work — a common emotional reaction is “Why me?” The sense that things aren’t going the way they should can lead to a sense of isolation, which often leads to depression and anxiety.  The opposite of that reaction is recognizing that all humans experience frustration, disappointment and rejection at some point.  You can let the suffering that being human entails comfort you in your own suffering.  And you can then let the compassion you feel for yourself spread out to all human beings who suffer in the same way you do.  Then, rather than feeling isolated in your suffering, you can actually use compassion to help you feel connected to others.  (Neff)

The third element of self-compassion involves awareness. On one hand, you must be aware of self-criticism in order to curtail it. But mindfulness also requires that you see things as they truly are, instead of exaggerating a situation or adopting a “poor-me” attitude.  A clear perspective is crucial because it will help you understand the difference between healthy self-compassion and unhealthy self-pity.  (Neff)

Research

Self-compassion is a very old Buddhist idea which has only recently begun to be looked at from a research perspective.  Kristin Neff, PhD, a professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin, is one of the researchers exploring the area. After defining self-compassion from an academic perspective, she developed a scale to measure it and many researchers have used that scale in subsequent studies.  By far most of the findings support the idea that self-compassion is linked to a number of positive mental health outcomes, including increased happiness, optimism and social connectedness. People who score high on self-compassion also tend to suffer less from anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure.

Dr. Neff has also developed a training program to teach people to practice self-compassion. She suggests starting on paper.  For example, say you’re upset that you made a big mistake at work. What would your most supportive friend say about the experience? Write down everything this friend might say to you, from his or her point of view. Then read the letter back to yourself — and try to take the words to heart.  To get more exercises for increasing self-compassion, you can go to You Tube and search under Kristin Neff.  She has a variety of training videos available.

Although there is more research that needs to be done, it seems clear that cultivating self-kindness is well worth the effort.  As Paul Gilbert, Ph.D., another researcher says, “If you have a kind, encouraging, supporting part to you, you’ll be OK.  If you have a bully that kicks you every time you fall over, then you’re going to struggle.”

More Good News – There’s No Bad News

What are the downsides of self-compassion? None have been found so far — and not for lack of trying.  Initially another researcher, Mark Leary, Ph.D. suspected as I did that self-compassion might be linked to self-indulgence. If you’re too nice to yourself, he theorized, you can let yourself off the hook no matter what you’ve done wrong.   To his surprise, he found just the opposite. People high in self-compassion take more responsibility for the bad things that happen to them than those who do not have high self compassion.  One reason low-compassion people might deny responsibility for bad things is that they have a mistaken sense of responsibility – they expect too much of themselves and then feel horribly bad if they’re not perfect.  People high in self-compassion, however, can admit their mistakes without all that self-flagellation.

Perhaps an amendment to the Golden Rule might be “Treat yourself as kindly as you would want others to treat you.”

***

Information in the above article was taken from the Monitor of Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association, Vol. 42, No. 7, July 2011, p. 42.  Science Watch:  “Golden Rule Redux” by Kristen Weir.

Major sources cited in the article were:

Fain, Jean, Ph.D. (2010)  The Self-Compassion Diet.

Gilbert, Paul, PhD, (2009) The Compassionate Mind.

Leary, Mary, Ph.D. (2007) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 92, No. 5).

Leary, Mark, Ph.D.(2007)  The Curse of the Self: Self-Awareness, Egotism, and the Quality of Human Life.

Leary, Mark, PhD., and Adams, Claire (2007).  Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology (Vol. 26, No. 10),

Kristin Neff, Ph.D. (2003).  Self and Identity (Vol. 2, No. 2–3)

Neff, Kristin, Ph.D.  Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind” (2011).

Neff, Kristin, Ph.D. (2009) Human Development  (Vol. 52, No. 4).