The Five Love Languages

 

By Molly Keeton, Ph.D.

The information in this article comes from a book by the same title “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman.

As I was reading this book, I found myself going back and forth in my response. One second I was thinking “this seems to be surface level sort of stuff – how profound of an impact can it really have?” The next minute, I was truly blown away by the depth of what could be communicated and healed by speaking one another’s love language. In the end, I found the concepts to be meaningful, relevant, and useful. While no one thing is going to be the solution to making love last, I believe this could be a valuable contributor. Learning one another’s love language (and actually taking the time to speak that language) not only offers love to one’s partner in a way that will make them feel the most loved, most secure, and most taken care of but also will convey investment and commitment to the relationship.

When I have come upon earlier editions of this book, I noticed that a very specific religious context was put upon the concepts. This is not the case in the most current version, which I read for this article. If you are looking for Christianity to be incorporated, you may enjoy the earlier edition. I am not certain what this might have added, but I can say that I did not find the book lacking in any way without this lens.  

One final observation – I found the language in this book to be disappointingly heterosexist. The author often used the word “spouse” but mostly referred to “marriage”, “husband”, and “wife”. He made no mention of same sex relationships. It is never my preference to recommend a book that does not acknowledge and celebrate same sex relationships; however, I felt the information was valuable and wanted to share it. I also firmly believe that it applies to all people and relationships equally.

Falling in love, falling out of love

Human beings require love and affection. It is one of our most basic needs. The need to feel that we belong and are wanted is essential to the human experience and to our overall emotional health. This begins in infancy and childhood but does not end there. As adults, when we have that all consuming experience of falling “in love”, this need appears to be met in a very fulfilling way. When this happens, we feel as though we have met our soul mate. It is like heaven on earth – we could spend all day together and never run out of things to say. We have more in common with this person than we ever dreamed possible. They are a perfect fit to our best selves, our quirkiest selves, our truest selves. We hardly ever disagree, but when it happens, we are able to move on quickly. In dreaming of the future, we know bigger obstacles will come but are confident that we will triumph over them. Together we can work through anything because our love is special and we are truly committed.

Although our need to be loved is temporarily satisfied by early love, over time the euphoria begins to fade. Studies show that this infatuation stage of early romance can last up to about 2 years (it may last twice that long in the case of an affair) but does ultimately come to an end. “Welcome to the real world”… of partnership… “where hairs are always on the sink and little white spots cover the mirror… where shoes do not walk to the closet themselves… and socks go AWOL during laundry. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies and marriage a battlefield” (p. 30).

We ask ourselves if we were wrong, was our love not the real thing, was it not meant to last? The truth is that it wasn’t meant to last – not the obsession of early love, during which nothing else seems to matter (work, housekeeping, paying bills, seeing friends and family). It is virtually impossible to keep any balance in one’s life during that initial and overpowering stage of love. As such, it is a good thing for the world that it does not go on forever.

The sense of connection during the early “in love” stage gives us a false sense of intimacy. It also gives us a false sense of ourselves – in this phase, we are truly selfless. Giving to our partner is the most gratifying thing on earth. Their faults are easy to overlook. This is made easier by the fact that our partner feels the same way towards us – truly loving and altruistic. However, as life goes on we inevitably return to our own interests and needs and so does our partner. We realize again that we are two people, not one. Two people with different goals, needs, feelings, preferences. We may feel we are falling out of love, and in a way this is true once that all consuming “in love” feeling begins to diminish. At this point, many couples may split. They may believe their only alternative to moving on and hoping to find “the one” is to settle into a life of disappointment with this person who so clearly does not understand their needs. However, one other option does exist – to recognize that the “in love” experience was meant to be temporary and to learn how to have a truly intimate long term relationship with one’s partner. True love cannot really begin until the obsessional love phase has come to its conclusion.

“True love’ …is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct… if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and generous, that is real love” (p. 32-33).

Love Languages

People speak one of five different love languages, usually the language of our caretakers, which we can think of as our native language. Each of the five basic love languages can contain a number of dialects. This means that there are countless ways to express love to one’s significant other while using their love language – the language that will truly make them feel loved. Over time, we may acquire new or different languages, but typically other languages will not come as easily as the primary language we were taught in our family of origin. One’s primary love language is likely to be drastically different from that of their spouse or significant other – possibly as different as English and Chinese. In order to communicate our love more effectively, we must be willing to identify our own love language, the language of our significant other, and to learn to speak one another’s love language.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are words that build another up. These are words that express love verbally. They may be complimentary or express appreciation. They are as varied as one’s imagination and may speak to physical appearance (“Wow, are you looking hot tonight!”), a character trait (“You always go above and beyond for the people you love”), or encouragement (“You have both the talent and passion required to become a great artist”).

Encouraging words

This literally means to “inspire courage”, to help build up our partner’s sense of security and self-esteem. This does not involve harassing your partner into doing something that you want them to do but helping them find the courage to pursue what is meaningful to them. It comes from a place of empathy and being able to see the world through one’s partner’s eyes.

Kind words

To truly communicate love verbally, one must use kind words and a tone that matches. This is especially important in the face of an argument. When spoken with kind words, even sharing a disappointment (“I was really hurt that you did not make it on time to dinner tonight”) can build connection.

Humble words

“Love makes requests, not demands” (p. 45). We need to know and understand one another’s desires in order to develop intimacy. Stating those desires as an order, a threat, or an ultimatum will not lead to connection. Sharing our needs and giving our partner a choice in meeting those is a way to guide them. Making a request of your partner indicates that s/he has something to offer, which affirms their worth.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

Quality time involves giving someone else your undivided attention. “When I sit with my”… partner… “and give her twenty minutes of my… time… and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other” (p. 56).

Focused attention

This is more than just being in proximity or doing something together while paying attention to other things. On the contrary, it is not limited to sitting quietly and looking into each other’s eyes or having hours of conversation about our hopes and dreams. Focused attention may involve an activity that one or both of you enjoy, but the activity itself is almost irrelevant because our intention in doing it is giving our attention to our partner.

Quality conversation

This is a very common love language that involves a true sharing of thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a loving and uninterrupted manner. We are focused on listening and truly hearing from our partner, encouraging them to share more of themselves. This is not likely to involve offering solutions or analyzing what they are saying but being attuned to your partner’s feelings.  You may have to learn to listen to offer this love language, and you also may have to learn to talk – to share openly from your heart and let your partner see inside of you.

Quality activities

These include any activity in which at least one of you has an interest, but again,the emphasis is on the why and not the what of the activity. The meaning behind the activity is to experience something together, to express love by doing this thing together, and to add to your memories of meaningful time spent together.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

“At the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse” (p. 82). A gift is a tangible thing that can be given, a symbol of one another’s love that can be seen and felt. Giving someone a gift involves thinking of them, and the gift becomes symbolic of this thoughtfulness. For people who speak this love language, having a visual symbol of their partner’s love is incredibly meaningful. Gifts may be bought, made, or found. The value of the gift or the money spent is not the key component here. It rarely matters what the cost of the gift is unless it is thought to be very far outside of what one can afford (in either direction).

If receiving gifts is the primary love language of your partner, you may have to alter your beliefs about how money should be spent. If gift giving seems frivolous to you, think of creative ways to give that don’t involve too much money. And when it comes to the times that money needs to be spent, think of it as an investment in your relationship.

Also, be aware that the gift of self can be powerful, especially for those who see love in visual ways. Giving of yourself by being present during a special event or a time of difficulty may speak volumes to your partner.

Love language #4: Acts of Service

To do an act of service is to do something for your partner that you s/he would like to have done. Acts of service “require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love” (p. 92). Acts of service could include doing the dishes, getting the tires rotated, hanging a picture, cleaning the litter box, paying bills, or making a call to the mortgage company. Oftentimes, this doing for one another is a regular part of the “in love” phase but fades out once a long term relationship begins.

Doing acts of service does not mean to become a slave or a doormat. It is not to become a servant or to give in to manipulation, coercion, guilt, or demands. It means giving to our partner through taking on some of the tasks of daily life and expressing one’s love by relieving your partner of that particular burden. Getting comfortable with giving acts of service may require re-examining what you learned about what it is to be a man or a woman in a relationship and letting go of some outdated stereo-types (you may find their effect whether you are in an opposite or same sex relationship).

Love language #5: Physical Touch

“Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally” (p. 112). The sense of touch is incredibly powerful for human beings. Many studies have shown that babies who are affectionately touched more often are physically stronger and more resilient and grow up to be emotionally healthier.

Unlike the other senses, touch is not limited to one part of our body.  Physical touch can communicate a variety of things – love, hate, tenderness, aggression. For a person who speaks this as their primary love language, touch may communicate far more than words ever can. The dialects are also infinite in the language of physical touch – what one person finds meaningful may do little for someone else. You must learn to speak each other’s dialect when it comes to physical touch and never assume that what feels good or loving to you applies equally to your partner.

Loving physical touch can be explicit or implicit. Explicit touch requires effort and attention (a massage or sexual interaction). Implicit loving touch may take less time and effort but does require thought and intentionality. This could be sitting close to one another, touching them as you pass by, giving a quick kiss when saying hello, or holding hands as you walk together.

Sex may be a primary dialect within this language, but not all need for physical touch should be assumed to be sexual. Also, a strong and frequent desire for sex does not necessarily mean that physical touch is one’s primary love language. If you find little meaning or interest in being physically affectionate outside of sex, then physical touch is not likely to be your primary love language, even if your craving for sex is quite intense.

Identifying your love language

Just reading the brief descriptions of the five languages may have clearly illuminated to you what your primary love language is. You may or may not be able to guess the language of your partner as well. If you would like to do a more formal assessment, there are questionnaires in the book. Another option that Chapman recommends is reflecting on the following questions:

• How do you most often show love to others? When you want to express to someone that they mean a lot to you, do you find yourself doing nice things for them (acts of service) or writing them a note to tell them how much you care (words of affirmation)?

 

• What have been your typical complaints to your partner within your relationship? Do you find yourself expressing frustration over not spending enough time together (quality time) or wishing s/he would do more to help around the house (acts of service)? These complaints will shed light on your unmet needs. And if you are not sure of the answer to this question, ask your partner. They are very likely to know your complaints.

 

• What do you ask your partner for most often? Do you find yourself asking for a backrub or hug (physical touch), for a token of their feelings (gifts), or for encouragement when you want to pursue something (words of affirmation)?

Forgive to Live

By Micky O’Leary, PhD

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.
~Lily Tomlin

A man convicted of several random murders was recently executed. The media coverage around this event was extensive. Among the reports were interviews with survivors of the victims.

One survivor was planning to be present at the execution – his way of seeing that the man who killed his loved one suffered in some measure for his deed. However, another survivor stated that he did not plan to attend and, in fact, was not interested in the details of the execution. He said he had forgiven the murderer and felt no hatred or animosity toward him.

I have heard stories like this before. Each time, I tried to put myself in the place of the survivors. Would I, could I, offer the same level of generosity that the second person showed? Or might I be like the first person, looking for some retribution to satisfy my hurt, anger, and overwhelming loss?

While few of us (thankfully) experience the pain associated with the murder of a loved one, none of us escapes this life without at times feeling hurt or betrayed in our relationships with others. What gives some of us the ability to forget these hurts and go on with our lives? And what keeps some of us in bondage to the injury we have experienced and the grievance we have created?

To forgive is to set a person free and discover that the prisoner was you.
~Louis Smedes

Forgiveness means different things to many people. I have often heard quoted the “eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth” example from The Bible. Others have expressed their feelings about hurt and betrayal as “Don’t get mad; get even.” In a culture that uses weapons to settle the score, forgiveness is often equated with weakness. Dr. Fred Luskin, a well known researcher in the field of forgiveness, notes matter-of-factly that “Forgiveness is a tough sell.”

Indeed, forgiveness can be a tough sell if we see it as a gift we give the person who offended us. Framed in that light, forgiveness may seem like an insult (to ourselves) on top of injury.

But what if we could see forgiveness as a gift we give ourselves? For example, have you ever found yourself reliving and rehashing an injustice you have suffered? As you play the scene again and again in your mind, your anger and resentment continues – and often grows. You feed the memory by giving it “air time” on your own personal station and, in the process, create a grievance story which takes time and attention to keep alive. In other words, we take the memory of our injury – and the person who injured us – and let them live “rent free” in our head and heart.

Everyone gets hurt. It’s one price of living. What is the point of prolonging the hurt? Yet that is what we do when we make the choice to hold on to a grudge. And as we relive and revive the hurt, we also re-inflict the physical and emotional stress that we initially felt.

Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Researchers studying forgiveness have found that people who are able to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge (Remember the earlier example of the man who had forgiven the murderer?) benefit in numerous ways. Among the many ways are reduced stress levels, less depression, less anger and hostility, a reduction in chronic pain, more satisfying relationships, and improved emotional and psychological well being.

The fact is: Stress hurts. It takes its toll on our bodies as well as our general enjoyment of life. And there are few things as stressful as continuing to experience and focus on the bad things that have happened to us in our lives.

If you know the process of healing from a physical wound, you can understand the experience of healing from an emotional one. In both cases, the hurt is not forgotten, but it ceases to interfere with our daily life. The power that it once held over our thoughts and feelings recedes and we are free to focus on the present moment.

However, one of the reasons that forgiveness can be a “tough sell” is that some of us may confuse it with forgetting what happened, condoning what happened, or reconciling with the person who hurt us. None of those things is necessary for us to forgive. What is necessary is that we make the choice to release ourselves from the emotional tether that keeps us feeling connected to the past.

When you hold resentment toward another,
you are bound to that person or condition
by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
~Catherine Ponder

While forgiveness takes time (and a commitment to personal freedom), it also requires that we be able to step outside our own experience to see the ways in which we may be contributing to keeping our own pain alive. For instance, if we are hurt and angry because a situation did not turn out as we had expected/hoped (e.g., our partner decides to end our relationship), we keep the pain alive when we tell ourselves that our life is not turning out the way it should. In other words, we are angry because we cannot control what has happened. We have an “unenforceable” rule about the way we want others to behave or the way we think life must look.

Losing a partner, like many other experiences in life, is usually painful. But blaming that person for our unhappiness also means that we are giving them control of our happiness. If I attribute my unhappiness to another person, then I am simultaneously giving them the key to my own well being.

Equally important as forgiving others is the ability to forgive ourselves. As we grow in acceptance of life’s disappointments, imperfections and losses, we learn that we also make mistakes. We realize that we are not perfect. We understand that sometimes we make bad decisions. Being human means that sometimes we fail and cause other people harm.

As I mentioned before, forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. When we choose to let go of our anger and resentment toward ourselves or another, we are also choosing the peace that comes with being free of those negative feelings. We are choosing to take back our personal power, assume responsibility for our own feelings, promote self healing and be the hero of our story instead of the victim. We are choosing to construct the story of our grievance in such a way that we can acknowledge the pain without getting stuck in it, recognize that life gives us both positive and negative experiences, and know that we can hope for the good and forgive the bad.

We are choosing to release our past in order to heal our present.

You will know that forgiveness has begun
when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.
~Louis Smedes

The Shadow: Misunderstood and Maligned Ally

by Metta Sweet Johnson Edge, MSW, LCSW

I’ve been afraid of the dark as long as I can remember.  As a child, even with my nightlight on and my sister sleeping in the room after I pleaded and bargained with her, letting go of the light of day and allowing the night to fall with its shadows was scary.  I know it didn’t help that when as a pre-teen I felt peer-pressured into watching a horror movie before I knew they even existed—how I managed to run home in the middle of the night after that still amazes me (it was only five houses down the street but it seemed like five miles).

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of in-depth personal work to realize that there is light in the dark.  That the dark is, in fact, rich with gold.  That the dark that I face in my own life is always the place to go to find what I need to move into the light.  I get it now, that night is a time of rest and replenishment—and sleep key to health.  That the night’s cloak of darkness can be comforting and cozy instead of threatening and scary.

But I have been a hard sell.

Ten years ago, I attended a conference by Omega Institute (eomega.org), an educational organization “dedicated to awakening the best in the human spirit.” In my enthusiasm for the weekend of seminars, I had pre-registered for an extra day-long workshop at the end of the weekend called Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov.  While I was participating that weekend, though, I noticed another workshop option called The Shadow.

Just the workshop name gave me a bit of a shudder: The Shadow.  Who would volunteer, much less pay good money, to spend all day talking about the dark side of human nature and the human experience?  Not me, I instantly insisted.  But in the next moment, I wondered if I should, in fact, attend it because I had been learning that going into “the places that scare you” was important to one’s healing and growth.  And wasn’t that what I was here to do and learn about helping others do as well?  Quickly, images of the workshop filled my mind with detailed accounts of people inflicting pain on one another.  Not to mention the horrors in the world and in our heads and hearts.   Another shudder.  Then relief washed over me as I recalled that I had already pre-registered for another workshop.  Surely it was too late to switch, I justified.

As I shuffled my handouts, brochures, and notebook into my bag and started to head back downstairs from my hotel room for another break-out session, I was stopped suddenly by a very strong statement coming from some part of me: “Metta, if you really want to know about healing and growth, go into the dark.”  I stood still.  Blinked.  Cringed.  But knew in some deeper place in me than my fear resides what I had to do: meet the Shadow—my Shadow.  Ugh.  As if I hadn’t already…well, we obviously hadn’t been formally introduced.

Going into the Dark to Discover the Light

That day was a pivotal point in my personal healing and growth and key to my becoming a therapist.  People most often come into therapy, as I did, in some kind of darkness: of uncertainty, pain, shame, confusion, betrayal, addiction, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, etc.  And they come searching for help out of the darkness.  Ironically, the key to getting out is going in.  But, this time, being in that dark consciously by processing and owning that very darkness.   By mining for the gold hidden there in that cave of darkness.  To then use the intensity and power of it to fuel one’s Light Shadow and truly transform one’s life experience.

By denying, dismissing, diminishing, or disowning one’s own “dark side,” one’s life simply becomes that much darker because those aspects of self won’t and can’t be denied.  They cannot not be.  Energy is energy—it cannot be created or destroyed as the first law of thermodynamics tells us.  Pretending and defending simply will not work.   In fact, it will just cause these denied aspects to come at you as “the way of the world” as Swiss psychologist Carl G. Jung asserts.  In your family, your work, your relationships, your health, your world.

Just as your shadow follows your every step on a sunny day, your Shadow is an unconscious aspect of self that has loyally and lovingly walked behind you all of your life.   It was born with you for the purpose of picking up what you discard and drop along the journey of your life until you were ready in your adulthood to “pick up the pieces” of yourself again.  The negative pieces you dropped may have been because of family, friends, and cultural influences, shameful experiences, constricting beliefs, etc.  In addition, you may have dropped positive qualities for fearing that if you succeed too much you may be cut off, be seen as or become arrogant, or feel obligated to achieve.

Clearing Up Some Misunderstandings about The Shadow

My biggest misunderstanding about The Shadow was that it is scary.  That it is only horrific stuff that would lead to nightmares and negative self-talk.  That it is to be feared and avoided at all costs.  But the true cost of avoiding it is much scarier: 1) it puts me at risk of living an unconscious chaotic life where my shadow aspects comes “at me” in uncontrolled and unexpected ways and 2) that I live a life as only fractured adapted parts of who I am instead of an integrated whole.

In his book Working with Your Shadow, the metaphysical teacher Lazaris speaks about how there have been some key misunderstandings about The Shadow that can get in the way of truly owning one’s shadow.  In order to work to clear up these misunderstandings, the following truths are offered for consideration:

1.       The Shadow is Born with You
Your shadow is born when you are to collect and hold what you cannot about yourself.  It protects these aspects of you—your shame, greed, hostility, motivation, talent, creativity, until you can deal with it as an adult.  Then, it starts returning the negative, the “litter”, that you discarded so that you can clean it, glean its gifts, and dispose of it properly.  And the Shadow returns the treasures that you let go of so that you can now own and celebrate them.  Far from wanting to hurt you, like the monster that some fear it to be, your Shadow is there to help you to become integrated, whole, real and give you the possibility to become who you were meant to be.  To live the life you were born to live.

2.       Owning is Not Imprisonment
Instead of pushing them away, owning your shadow involves bringing the shadow aspects of you, dark and light, so close to you that you can feel the intensity of the emotion.  That firey burning of hostility, for example, so that you can then free its intensity in a direction of your conscious choice and in order to the energy for healing and growth (instead of pain and violence).  It’s about harnessing and then freeing with direction, not containing.

3.       Making Peace with Your Shadow Brings it Closer
While this is unappealing to many: “you mean my hostility/anger/selfishness etc. will be closer to the surface?”  Yes!  But the good is that by being there you can manage it.  Think about it: if it’s buried deep, it’s also out of your reach and unsupervised will ultimately pop up when you least expect it (often when you are are on the brink of some success).  So, yes, though counter-intuitive, you do want to bring your shadow aspects into full view so you can monitor, manage, and direct their energy in constructive ways.
Once you clear up your misunderstandings about The Shadow, you can begin the true work of owning Your Shadow.  And it’s worth your while because “your Shadow holds your ability to be free of the past, to be, with dignity, self-determined.  It contains your full capacity not just to be loved, but to love.”

Moths in Shadows instead of Butterflies in Sunshine

One final childhood story that comes to mind: I had collected caterpillars who lived in my room in a basket on my bookshelf.  One day, I noticed they were no longer there, but that fluffy gray cocoons had taken their place.  I learned that they were transforming into butterflies and I excitedly awaited the day they would be flying about my room beautiful in the sunlight coming through the windows.  One night, though, I was lying on my bed leaning back over the bed upside down as kids do sometimes, letting my head hang and my hair reach toward the floor.  As the blood rushed to my head, I noticed on the wall in front of me a huge gray moth just inches from my face.  I screamed and scrambled back up.  I then realized with an exasperated shudder that instead of butterflies in rays of sunshine, I got moths in shadows of night.

This was not only unexpected but disappointing and frightening.  Moths have been misunderstood and maligned in my mind since that day.  But they were a part of my story of darkness being full of the unexpected, ugly, and scary—a story that led me to a strong reaction against changing it.  That led me to realize that that’s just what I wanted and needed to do.  And I am grateful.

And I’ve tried to express that by being more open to the beauty and mystery of moths.  A few years ago, I became interested in the Luna Moth.  In early August this year as I was writing this article, I witnessed a Luna Moth doing a circular dying dance in pine straw in the moonlight outside my home.  I gently slid some straw out of the way, clearing her a path to ease her process if possible.  I was honored and saddened and struck that my disgust and fear of moths had transformed.  Turns out, too, that the Luna Moth is a symbol for spiritual transformation.

Turns out, too, that far from fearing and fleeing from this Shadow work, I’m drawn to and fly toward it.  And, as a result, have birthed powerful, creative change.  After all, as Julia Cameron points out in The Artist’s Way, “creativity—like human life itself—begins in darkness.”

Heaven and Hell and the Evolution of Human Consciousness in One Short Article

 

 

 

by

Claire N. Scott, Ph.D.

The mind is its own place, and in itself
can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.

 

This is a quote from John Milton’s Paradise Lost. I use it at the beginning of my auto-biographical statement on our Karuna website.

To tell the truth, I’ve had concerns about it ever since I posted it because it can be perceived as harsh and blaming depending on how you look at it.  For example, the quote can be taken to imply that if you’re in pain about something, it’s only because of how you’re looking at it – if you’d just look at it differently, it could be heaven instead of hell.  But is that true in every situation?  Shakespeare suggests it is in his line: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” But what about the death of a loved one, or a crippling accident caused by a drunk driver, or physical assault?  Doesn’t the sentiment in the quotes seem like “blaming the victim” in those incidences?

Given these issues, I’d like to talk about why I chose that particular quote and what it means to me.  My primary intention in choosing the quote was to emphasize (1) the importance of perception on reality, and (2) the importance of the meaning we ascribe to the events of our lives, and (3) to highlight how powerful our thinking is in terms what it can create.

Most people are familiar with the two images below that emphasize how perception can change with perspective.

In the image on the left, can you see the chalice?  Can you also see two faces looking at each other?  The chalice appears in white against a black background.  The two faces appear in black against a white background.

In the image on the right, can you see the young, attractive woman?  Can you also see the old lady?  To see the old lady, focus on the young woman’s necklace and let it become the old woman’s mouth. Let the young woman’s ear becomes the old woman’s eye.  Can you see it now?

Try going back and forth quickly between the two versions in each picture. Can you get to the point where you can see both images equally at the same time?  (Do you have a headache yet?)  Most people have trouble with being able to see both images at once.  They can shift back and forth very quickly, but it’s difficult for the mind to hold both images at the same time.

Let’s bring this concept of differing perspectives to the mental level.  Think about a time a friend of yours let you down – say, they didn’t return your phone call in a timely manner, or forgot an appointment with you.  What meaning did you give that event?  Some possibilities are:

1.     “What a jerk. How rude. Some people have no manners.”  In other words, you blame the other person.

2.     “Oh no, did I something that offended her.  I bet she’s upset with me.”  In this case, you blame yourself.

3.     Ambivalence. You vacillate back and forth between who’s to blame.  “I can’t believe she forgot me like this. How rude. But maybe I’m expecting too much.  Everybody forgets once in a while.  But she really should keep up with things better – especially if they matter to her.  I wouldn’t do this to her.  She really is so rude.”  (This can go on for days, weeks, months, and in some cases even a lifetime.  Like going back and forth between the images above, it will probably give you a headache.)

4.     “I wonder if ____ got my message.  Maybe she’s just busy.  I’ll call her again in a day or so if I don’t hear from her.”  Here you attribute a neutral meaning to the event so neither one of you has to be the bad guy.

Consider what feelings might come as a result of each thought.  If you tend to think more like #1, you’re going to spend a lot of time angry, self-righteous, and critical of others.  If you think more like #2, you’re going to spend a lot of time worrying, blaming yourself, and reinforcing your negative self-image.  If your particular flavor of hell is ambivalence, #3, you’re likely to drive yourself crazy going round and round in circles.  An unenviable by-product of 3 is that you’re also likely to drive everyone around you crazy as you try to get 100 reality checks from other people to decide who to blame.  If you think more like #4, you’re going to spend a lot of time getting on with your life with feelings of peace and equanimity because there’s nothing to blame anyone for – what a heavenly mindset.

So what about you?  Do you tend to create more of hell or heaven with your thoughts?

I could now go on to tell you about how our childhoods set us for this kind of dualistic thinking.  I could explain how the fear of being wrong/bad leads to the defense mechanisms that make us want to project the blame.  I could explain how ambivalence, though often agonizing, is actually a step in the right direction because ‘staying in the tension of the question’ at least keeps the mind open. The mind tends to close once we think we have the answer.

A  LARGER PERSPECTIVE

I’d rather talk about this issue from a larger perspective, i.e., how the penchant to engage in more hellish than heavenly thinking is not totally our fault.  We are, after all, also a product of our evolutionary stage of existence.  The physical plane of existence into which we (humans) were born forced us, for the sake of our survival, to make dualistic distinctions between danger and safety, friend and enemy, life-enhancing and life-threatening.  This plane of existence also had opposites to which we had to accommodate ourselves:  day and night, summer and winter, wet and dry, hot and cold.  Dualistic thinking was necessary to cope successfully with life on this plane of existence.  Our tendency to see things dualistically has keep us safe and well for millennia  — even lending itself to the invention of the computer which employs a binary operating system of zeros and ones much like our own dualistic mind.

Our dualistic thinking is such a part of our current state of being/thinking that we hardly notice it.  Black/white, good/bad, right/wrong, success/failure, smart/dumb, ugly/pretty, top/bottom, pleasure/pain, true/false, win/lose.  Our level of consciousness, evolutionarily-speaking, has been fraught with dualistic distinctions.  This plays out in small things and large.  Either the friend in the example above is bad, or I’m bad.  Either she is at fault or I am.  If we alter our thinking at all it is likely to vacillate back and forth between the two.

Dualistic thinking can be found at the global level, too, often in ways that no longer serve us well on our island home.  Christians good, Muslims bad.  Straight people good, gay people bad.  This political party good, that one bad.  This skin color good; that one bad.  This kind of thinking can often lead to a literal hell on earth – divisiveness, judgment, disconnection, separation, conflict.

Does a higher, more “heavenly” level of consciousness exist, and if so, how might we participate in actively ushering it in?

PROACTIVE  EVOLUTIONARY  THINKING

or

UPGRADE  YOUR  OPERATING  SYSTEM

 

You probably know that a dog’s ability to hear and smell exceeds that of a human.  You probably also know that there are ranges on the light spectrum (e.g., ultraviolet) that the human eye cannot see.  Did you also know that the human eye can only perceive ¼ of what it sees?

What if there are levels of consciousness that we can’t apprehend yet either – levels that exist outside the bandwidth we can recognize?  Or said a better way, levels of consciousness that lie as undeveloped potential inside us.  Many of the great avatars of the past stressed the importance of transforming our minds, transcending the usual dualistic mindset of the times.  Consider Buddha’s non-attachment to outcome, Jesus’ “love your enemies”, Gandhi’s passive resistance.  Perhaps avatars were so misunderstood in the past because their level of consciousness exceeded the current level of human consciousness.

Kabir, a well-know 14^th century Indian philosopher, poet and songwriter, suggested that:

We have subtle subconscious faculties we are not using.  Beyond the limited analytic intellect is a vast realm of mind that includes psychic and extrasensory abilities; intuition; wisdom; a sense of unity; aesthetic, qualitative and creative faculties; and image-forming and symbolic capacities.  Though these faculties are many, we give them a single name with some justification, because they are operating best when they are in concert.  They comprise a mind, moreover, in spontaneous connection with the cosmic mind, the total mind we call “heart.”  (Quoted in Bourgeault, p. 36; italics mine.)

Buddha believed that our usual human approach to thinking led to “dukkha” — meaning suffering, struggling, chronic dissatisfaction and just plain misery.  Many “new thought” Christians and students of mystical Christianity consider “sin,” as it originally translates from the Greek, to mean missing the mark or missing the point.  Eckhart Tolle suggests that “to sin is to miss the point of human existence.  It means to live unskillfully, blindly, and thus to suffer and cause suffering.” (Tolle, p. 9)

Some teachers from the wisdom school of Christianity assert that heaven is not a place you go to after you die, but rather a state of transformed consciousness.  They suggest that Jesus’ phrase “the kingdom of heaven” is his own favorite way of describing a state which today we would call a non-dual or unitive consciousness.  Contemporary mystic, ex-monk and public policy attorney Jim Marion suggests that it is “not a place you go, but a place you come from — a whole new way of looking at the world, a transformed awareness that literally turns this world into a different place” – into heaven.  (Quoted in Bourgeault, p. 30.)

Ken Wilber, who is one of the most widely read and influential American philosophers of our time, postulates nine levels of consciousness.  Consider this quote from him:

Are the mystics and sages insane? Because they all tell variations on the same story, don’t they?  The story of awakening one morning and discovering you are one with the All, in a timeless and eternal and infinite fashion. Yes, maybe they are crazy, these divine fools. Maybe they are mumbling idiots in the face of the Abyss…. But then, I wonder. Maybe the evolutionary sequence really is from matter to body to mind to soul to spirit, each transcending and including, each with a greater depth and greater consciousness and wider embrace. And in the highest reaches of evolution, maybe, just maybe, an individual’s consciousness does indeed touch infinity—a total embrace of the entire Kosmos—a Kosmic consciousness that is Spirit awakened to its own true nature. It’s at least plausible. And tell me: is that story, sung by mystics and sages the world over, any crazier than the scientific materialism story, which is that the entire sequence is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying absolutely nothing? Listen very carefully: just which of those two stories actually sounds totally insane?  Wilber, A Brief History of Everything, p. 42-3.

One way to try to advance our level of consciousness beyond the dualistic stage is to learn to consider the nature of our reality from a different perspective.  To some this means trying to eliminate all forms of negative thinking – to insist on the triumph of good over evil.  But consider this response to that approach by Cynthia Bourgeault.  A student had asked how God could allow human atrocities.  Bourgeault replied:

Can’t you see that judging only makes it worse. By trying to stop the black – to make it all white, all good; by saying that this we can accept and this we must reject, you keep empowering that cycle of polarization that creates the problem in the first place…. (T)he orientation that cleaves to the light by trying to deny or reject the shadow…only ends up empowering the shadow and deepening it.  The resolution doesn’t lie in collapsing the tension of opposites by canceling one of them out.  Something has to go deeper, something that can hold them both.  (Bourgeault, p. 123; italics mine.)

So what will help with this evolution of consciousness besides not participating in dualistic distinctions?  My favorite choice of the moment is meditation.  Why?  Because it lets us experience how our “monkey mind” jumps around all over the place without our permission.  Because it teaches the observation of mental events (thoughts) as opposed to identification with them. Because it teaches us enough mental discipline to realize we can become the container for our thoughts rather than the victim of them.  Because it teaches us how to practice staying in the moment which is the only place reality can happen.

In his bestselling book A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckart Tolle asserts that humanity is on the cusp of an evolutionary shift in consciousness:

What is arising now is not a new belief system, a new religion, spiritual ideology, or mythology. We are coming to the end not only of mythologies but also of ideologies and belief systems.  The change goes deeper than the content of your mind, deeper than your thoughts.  In fact, at the heart of the new consciousness lies the transcendence of thought, the newfound ability of rising above thought, of realizing a dimension within yourself that is infinitely more vast than thought. You then no longer derive your identity, your sense of who you are, from the incessant stream of thinking that in the old consciousness you take to be yourself. (Tolle, p. 21-22)

But who are you then, if you are not who you thought yourself to be – not that voice in your head, not your thoughts?  You can learn to become the one who sees the thoughts, the one who has awareness over and above thoughts.  You become the space in which thoughts happen.  You are, indeed, the vehicle through which Life is lived.

Suggested reading:

Bourgeault, Cynthia.  The Wisdom Jesus:  Transforming Heart and Mind – a New Perspective on Christ and His Message. Boston:  Shambala Publications, 2008.

Hollis, James.  What Matters Most:  Living a More Considered Life.  New York:  Gotham Books, 2009.

Ladinsky, Daniel, Ed.  Love Poems from God:  Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West.  New York:  Penguin Compass, 2002.

Marion, Jim.  Putting on the Mind of Christ:  The Inner World of Christian Spirituality.  Charlottesville, VA:  Hampton Roads, 2000.

Muktananda, Swami.  Play of Consciousness:  A Spiritual Autobiography.  South Fallsburg, NY:  SYDA Foundation, 1978, 2000.

Tolle, Eckhart.  A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.  New York:  Plume, 2005.

Wilber, Ken.  No Boundary:  Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth.  Boston:  Shambala Publications 1979, 2001.

Wilber, Ken.  Integral Spirituality: A Startling New Role for Religion in the Modern and Postmodern World.  Boston:  Shambala, 2006.

Williams, Mark; Teasdale, John; Zindel, Segal & Kabat-Zinn, Jon.  The Mindful Way through Depressions:  Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.  New York:  Guilford Press, 2007.

Yogananda, Paramahansa.  The Autobiography of a Yogi.  Los Angeles: Self-Realization Fellowship, 1946, 2000.

How To Get The Most Out Of Therapy

By Darby Christopher, LMSW

If you’ve been to enough therapy sessions, or seen enough therapists, chances are you’ve had some great experiences that produced feelings of gratitude and hope, and you may have also had some not so great experiences that resulted perhaps in frustration or disappointment.

What makes therapy a satisfactory, or even highly satisfactory, experience? Does it happen by chance, or is there more to it than that? Are there ways to intentionally enhance the experience?

Therapists have debated and researched these questions for decades. Time and again, research points to the significance of the relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. Factors such as the type of therapy used to engage a particular problem and the experience of the therapist can also make a difference, but the connection between the therapist and client is paramount.

What does the therapist bring to the experience?

The therapist’s job is to bring focused attention to the person in therapy during a session. Careful listening, empathy, and a non-judgmental attitude are all crucial. A therapist also brings training, knowledge of different types of therapies, an ability to see the big picture, and helpful questions or feedback.

Ultimately, however, neither the therapist nor the person in therapy can “make” anything happen. There is no exact formula, because each therapeutic relationship involves two complex, unique individuals. The process is largely intuitive, and involves myriad subtle but important factors, such as communication cues, experiences in past relationships and values. Each session is a little like getting in a canoe together to travel downstream. The therapist knows something about canoes, paddles and how to navigate different types of water, but has not been down this exact river in this exact same way before.

What can the person in therapy can do to enhance the experience?

First and foremost, the person in therapy can trust their intuition. Listening to how the process feels and working from within this space is most beneficial. If therapy is flowing intuitively, “how to” suggestions may actually get in the way by putting us in our rational, thinking mode, rather than in the wisdom of the heart. If this is the case for the reader, perhaps this is as far as you will want to read this article!

Other times, however, we may feel a little lost or unsure of where we are in the process, or maybe we have fallen temporarily out of touch with our intuition and would benefit from some guidance. Or, we may simply be new to the process of therapy and would appreciate some thoughts from others who are more familiar with this territory. If any of these scenarios apply, the following suggestions may be of benefit.

1. Spend some time thinking about what you want out of therapy. Some of us want a safe place to tell our story or process a particular issue, and others want advice or suggestions. Some want  help figuring out our own solutions to a particular problem, others want deep work in the unconscious, and still others of us want someone to witness whatever is happening in our lives, no matter how grand or routine.

If we know what is most important to us, we can endeavor to stay focused on this material during a session, and communicate this desire to our therapist. (To help us get in touch with what matters to us, the scale included in this newsletter might be helpful.)

2. If we feel like we aren’t getting what we want out of therapy, we need to say so! This can feel a little intimidating for some of us, but the reality is our therapist will welcome this information. Once this information comes out, our therapist will work with us to determine if a different course of action will work best, or if we would be better off seeing someone else or doing something else. Either way, we will have helped bring about a desirable outcome.

3. Pay attention to how you are feeling during sessions, and consider communicating this information to your therapist. Sometimes in therapy we may begin talking about an issue in our lives, and a feeling in our body may emerge that would not only like our attention, but may be giving us a clue as to what is going on inside us on a deeper level. This suggestion contrasts with suggestion number one above, but a general rule is, if something in our body or psyche is clamoring for attention during a session, it is worth checking out.

4. When you are contemplating what to talk about in a session, and you are trying to decide between a topic that feels safe and a topic that feels more scary and vulnerable, consider going with the more vulnerable option. Often the greatest healing and freedom comes when we reveal a part of our self that we think might not be ok, and then discover that it is not repulsive as we had imagined, but is either a hidden wonderful part of who we are or valuable information in understanding ourselves. This is called our “growth edge,” and we can benefit by gently pushing ourselves to take risks.

However, caution is also warranted. If something feels too frightening or your intuition questions how safe you are, it might be best to process the fear feeling first, without revealing any information. For example, you might say to your therapist, “There is something I have thought about sharing with you, but I feel very anxious when I think about saying it out loud.” You and your therapist can then process the risk versus the benefit of revealing the information. You may ultimately decide to disclose the information, or you may determine that the best course of action is to not share it or to wait and revisit the issue at a later time. Either way, you will likely experience the satisfaction of knowing you honored your feelings and allowed trust to grow between you and your therapist.

5. Practice self care between sessions. Therapy is an investment of emotions, energy, time and money. To get the most out of our investment, we need to take some time during the week to focus on our selves. Journaling and meditation are both great ways to stay connected to our deeper self during the week, and may yield important information to process with our therapist.

Conclusion

By choosing to invest in therapy, we have chosen to place a high priority on uncovering and polishing the jewel that exists in each one of us. Another metaphor that works is to say that we value keeping the window of our souls clean. Many of us are giving up material possessions or making other sacrifices to do this work. Engaging in therapy intuitively and/or consciously assessing how to get the most out of our sessions can enhance the therapeutic experience. How fortunate we are to be able to do this work.

What Clients Want from Therapy: A Survey

Name: ______________________________             Date: __________________

 

 

After reading each statement, please circle the number that most accurately reflects your view, with 5 meaning “very much agree,” and zero meaning “don’t agree at all.” If your answer is “none” or “don’t know,” you may leave the question blank, and offer your comments below if you would like.

 

 

1. One of the major values of therapy is having a place to tell my story and process what has happened during my week.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

2. I want my therapist to be proactive with me. If she has a “bag of tricks,” I want her to use it.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

3. I welcome trying new and different types of therapies, even if they may make me a little uncomfortable.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

4. I like it when my therapist gives me advice, and that is partly why I go.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

5. I want my therapist to be “client centered,” meaning that she follows my lead.

           

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

6. I generally already know what I want to talk about and what I want to do during a session before I get there.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

7. I would like for my therapist to check in with me often about how I think the therapy is going, and ways we could get the most out of our time together.

 

            0          1          2          3          4          5

 

 

Comments:

How Does Therapy Help Me?

Can therapy be helpful to me?

Choosing to get professional support is a significant decision and an important step in increasing your overall well-being and life satisfaction . The reasons for starting therapy vary greatly.
They can include life transitions, sadness or worry, relationship difficulties, old patterns, low self-esteem, spiritual crises, increased self-awareness, and grief. Therapy is also helpful for specific concerns such as anxiety, depression, gender identity, trauma, abuse, sexual orientation, and addiction.

How does therapy work?

The first step begins with you taking a look  at your life, relationships, and your general mood.
Are there areas that seem to cause you difficulties? Are there areas that could use some shifting?
Sometimes people don’t know what needs attention, but they know that they are not as happy as they would like to be. Either way, contacting Karuna will be your next step.

You will set up an initial appointment that will include a questionnaire about your history. This
will give the therapist a chance to get to know you some and it will allow you to start to get
to know your therapist. You will have a chance to ask some questions and you can get some support in setting initial goals.

The next few sessions will allow you to continue to establish a safe environment and allow you to
talk about some of your concerns. As you feel more comfortable the therapist may start to include some other techniques listed previously, and she may start to give you more skilled feedback.

Therapy works on many levels. You may notice some relief by simply having a supportive space to explore your concerns, feelings, and needs. Therapy also may lead to behavioral changes, such as improved communication and self-care. Finally, with deeper healing, old patterns evolve into new and healthier life choices and greater life fulfillment.

During therapy you may have times of discomfort and you should talk with your therapist about
the new feelings that you may experience. Other times you will notice relief, an increased sense
of peace, or even a sense of feeling stronger in the world.

As you reach your goals and feel more sense of accomplishment, you and your therapist will evaluate when will be a good time to stop therapy or simply take a break. It is our job to help you become independent, but with the knowledge that support is available when you need it.

How Trauma Affects the Brain

 

 

By Molly Keeton, Ph.D.

Trauma is a word that we use and hear often, but what is trauma? It is usually defined as the experiencing or witnessing of an event(s) that is threatening or dangerous and out of one’s control. Trauma usually involves a feeling of helplessness. Many people serving in the military experience trauma, as do individuals who survive a natural disaster, serious accident, or personal assault. While these are common examples of trauma, experts generally agree that what makes something traumatic to a person is determined by their response to it, rather than whether someone else considers it “traumatizing”. For example, a student who was humiliated by a parent or teacher while growing up may have experienced a trauma.

The best way to determine if an event was traumatic in your life is simply to look at the impact it has had. Do you continually think about the event, even when you do not intend to? Do you sometimes experience the feelings that you felt during the event or even feel as if you are experiencing the trauma again? Do you avoid reminders of the event by steering clear of certain places, people, or topics of conversation? Do you have nightmares related to that event? Do you find yourself on edge, expecting danger, or responding differently than others to certain events (for example, a veteran may hit the floor when they hear a car backfire, thinking that it is a gunshot. Or a woman who has survived sexual assault may be untrusting of all men)?  Are these symptoms getting in the way of your relationships, goals, sense of peace and safety, or general life satisfaction? If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that may occur after a traumatic event. While these responses are normal and expected after a trauma has been experienced, PTSD occurs when they go on for weeks, months, or even years after a trauma. 

Trauma can have dramatic and long reaching effects on an individual’s life. Learning more about the neurological processes involved may provide information about why trauma impacts us the way it does, increase empathy for oneself and/or others, and promote awareness that healing can occur.  

 

Development of the human brain

The human brain contains three distinct parts that developed in this order: the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, and the cortex (or neo-cortex). Higher level functions, such as planning, developed later than the more primitive capacities, such as aggression. 

The reptilian brain

The oldest and most primitive part of the brain. Primary task is survival. Controls breathing, balance, and temperature regulation. Acts out of instinct.

The mammalian brain

Includes the limbic system, which is the emotional center of the brain. Involved in the control and expression of emotion, the body’s response to danger, and the processing of short term memory. Primary focus is also survival.

The cortex (or neo-cortex)

The most recent area to develop within the brain. Allows for higher level thinking, analysis, logic, and intellectual pursuits. Cortex is always overridden by reptilian and mammalian brains.

                        

(From http://website.lineone.net/~bryn_evans/Triune_Brain/triune_brain.htm)

Despite how humans have evolved, the primary task of the brain remains self-preservation and propagating of the species. The functions of the reptilian and mammalian brains will always override the neo-cortex, as our very survival is dependent upon this. Because threat has a far more immediate and powerful consequence than reward, the brain is overdetermined to sense and respond to danger.

The brain receives data from the outside world through the five senses. This sensory information comes in through the thalamus and is directed either towards the limbic system or the cortex. If threat is perceived, the sensory input goes first to the brainstem and midbrain (limbic system). In this case the limbic system attempts to match the data against information and patterns that have been stored from past experience. If threat is perceived or if the data matches a template for danger, the alarm response of the brain is activated. The limbic system is quite complex and contains many different structures. For our purposes, we will focus on two of these structures: the amygdala and the hippocampus.

 

The Amygdala

The amygdala is the part of the limbic system responsible for processing and assigning emotional value to incoming sensory information. It is a tiny, almond shaped structure at the core of the limbic system. It is over 50,000 years old and was designed to protect us from threats such as a saber-tooth tiger. The amygdala functions sort of like a pass-fail exam. When trying to decipher between something that might bring pleasure and something that might bring death, every piece of sensory data must be quickly sorted into only one of two categories – safe or unsafe.

If the amygdala perceives a threat, it immediately springs into action and does not wait around for the cortex to analyze the data and return a verdict (i.e. “that man reminds me of someone dangerous because he has a similar hairstyle, but he is very clearly not the person who hurt me in the past). Although the limbic system and cortex have many interconnecting neurological pathways, communication to the cortex may be cut off in this moment of danger. When the potential for severe injury or death is imminent, there is simply no time to stop and make logical evaluations or interpretations. Remember that this system evolved to protect us from tigers and other such predators. It would be a waste of precious time if in the midst of being charged by a tiger one stopped to compare it to other tigers in that region, estimate its size or velocity, or begin planning the best strategy for escape.  

Before any conscious awareness has occurred, the amygdala activates the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), which enlists every area of the brain and body to respond to the threat and deactivates all non-crucial bodily functions, such the digestive and immune systems. The amygdala also determines the best response to a threat, including the fight, flight, and freeze responses. If the limbic system perceives that there is enough strength to defend oneself, then fight will be chosen. If adequate time, strength, and distance to allow for escape is perceived, then flight will be chosen. In both cases it is the sympathetic branch of the ANS that responds, resulting in increased respiration, heart rate, oxygenation of the blood, and blood flow to the muscles for mobility and strength.

If time, strength, and distance are not determined to be sufficient or if death could be imminent, then the parasympathetic nervous system is activated. This branch is associated with resting and relaxation and leads to the freeze response.  This can be seen in nature when a mouse being attacked by a cat goes limp, oftentimes resulting in the cat losing interest and the mouse surviving.  As a teen I participated in a 3 week wilderness course where I was given similar advice. If I encountered a bear and was within close enough range to see it, there would be no way for me to outrun that bear. Outfighting it was obviously out of the question. My best defense would be to drop to the ground and hope that it would get bored of me before inflicting too much bodily harm.  This is VERY important information if you are a person who ever blamed yourself for how you responded to a trauma. Your reaction was not a thinking process and was not up to your conscious mind. It came from an instinctive part of your brain that is very, very old and very well programmed to protect you from any avoidable danger.

 

The Hippocampus

The hippocampus is a structure in the limbic system that is associated with learning and memory. The hippocampus stores memory of time, place, and space in time. It organizes memories in a chronological way. Because of the heavy activity of the Limbic and autonomic nervous systems during a traumatic event, traumatic memories are believed to get stuck in the lower and mid portions of the brain (reptilian and mammalian brains) where they cannot be accessed by the frontal lobes of the neo-cortex. While normal, non-traumatic memories get filed away in various places of the cortex, traumatic memories are not processed or integrated in the typical way.  

While this may seem like a cruel joke of nature, there is a good biological reason for it. When the limbic system perceives a threat, it activates the ANS to release hormones to enhance the fight, flight or freeze response. These hormones not only activate the body to physically respond but also supercharge the memory function of the brain (it should really only take one run in with a shark for the body to imprint that this is a dangerous situation). The amygdala is basically sending a strong message that whatever just occurred needs to be remembered and remembered very well. In this state of arousal, the body continues to release hormones such as adrenaline, which, over time, can damage connections within the brain (it can also cause damage to the heart and the immune system). Research has also shown that adrenaline can ultimately shrink the hippocampus – further reducing its ability to place memories in time and space.

The brain is constantly in the process of receiving data, interpreting and analyzing it, and creating action based on that data. It has an enormous capacity to store information and use that information over time. The human brain increases its efficiency by creating internal representations of the external world, or templates. These associations generalize to future events. For example, when I see a door, my brain instantaneously recognizes this and sends a message to my muscles about how to respond. From time to time I may come upon a door that looks nothing like any door I have ever seen in the past, but still my brain can compare it against the template it holds for doors and respond appropriately. This is true of all sensory input, whether it comes in through site, sound, smell, taste, or touch. The sense of smell has been found to make particularly powerful associations in the brain. This is especially evident with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – oftentimes a familiar scent can trigger the autonomic nervous system faster than anything else. (If you look at a diagram of the brain, you will notice that the olfactory bulb, which is responsible for sense of smell, is located within the limbic system).

 

Brain Plasticity

The brain is modified by all experiences, whether they be positive or negative. This is because it has plasticity, meaning that its architecture and pathways of communication can be modified over time. Some areas of the brain, such as the cortex, have more plasticity than others. It is relatively easy to learn the concepts being presented in this paragraph (cortex) but quite difficult to learn to ride a unicycle (reptilian brain). The brain develops and is organized in a use-dependent fashion. It is commonly accepted that “neurons that fire together, wire together”, so the more a neural system is activated and used, the more it will adapt over time. The greater the activity within a neural system, the more the system will develop capabilities related to that type of function. This is true for playing the piano, learning a second language, or responding to a threat – more “practice” means the response becomes more engrained. Once a brain area is organized, it is has less plasticity and is less receptive to incorporating new data (again, it is harder to learn to play the piano as an adult than as a child).

 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

The activation of the autonomic nervous system (increased heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etc) in response to danger is a normal, adaptive, and protective biological function. However, PTSD may occur when the ANS continues to engage once the threat is no longer present, leaving the body in an active state of arousal. This may occur if trauma is ongoing, as in repetitive abuse throughout childhood, or when a person is somehow unable to return to a sense of homeostasis and calm after exposure to trauma.

When the brain stores a memory within the limbic system instead of processing through to the cortex, it seems to just float in the hippocampus so that it can be easily accessed. To set the ANS in motion, the amygdala requires only a 10 to 20 percent overlap between a template for danger and a current sensory cue. This is why a seemingly innocuous cue (such as the smell of smoke for someone who has survived a fire) can send the body into fight, flight, or freeze mode. In some cases, a person may be responding to a cue that they are not consciously aware of, such as the slump of another person’s shoulders. Due to the mind-body connection, the amygdala may also interpret danger when the ANS is aroused for some other reason. For example, if heart rate was elevated during a traumatic event, later acceleration of the heart rate (while exercising) can signal danger to the amygdala.

From the standpoint of survival, it is preferable for the brain to over generalize signals of danger than to under generalize. But emotionally speaking, this can wreak havoc on a person’s life. Traumatized individuals may be more vulnerable to making false associations and interpreting danger in an environment where none exists. Due to plasticity, the more the autonomic nervous system is engaged, the more this pattern becomes ingrained. The more this pattern is ingrained, the more the ANS will be set off. This is the cycle of living with PTSD. In addition, an experience that sets off the body’s alarm response can alter the sensitivity of that alarm response. Over time, even non-sensory cues (remembering the event) can signal the amygdala and lead to an emotional response of fear.

 

Brain Plasticity – the good news

Although the brain has less plasticity as it ages and organizes, it can always be altered in significant ways. It is possible to re-train the Limbic System to become less reactive, meaning living with less fear and being triggered back to a trauma less often. Current research is finding that the most effective therapies for clearing trauma involve not emotionally reliving or re-experiencing the trauma but just the opposite. To help move traumatic memory out of the Limbic System, a person must be able to revisit the trauma without activating the Autonomic Nervous System. New methods for working with trauma effectively are constantly being discovered. Some of these methods may have a client talk through aspects of the trauma while keeping the Limbic System calm (clinical hypnosis, Rapid Resolution Therapy). Other methods, such as EMDR and EFT use eye movements or tapping on acupressure points to help the body release the trauma. It is believed that all effective trauma treatments work on a neurological level by creating new neural pathways within the brain. If you are dealing with an unresolved trauma, I encourage you to talk with your therapist about some of these and other techniques.

When traumatic memories get triggered and the ANS becomes activated, there are ways to help calm your system. Just focusing intently on the breath can be extremely helpful (please see the breathing exercises on the front page of this newsletter).  Activities that help to redirect you away from your emotions and towards purposeful relaxation of the body, such as yoga or Tai Chi, can also be effective. Sometimes doing a physical task can not only redirect your thoughts and feelings but also help to engage different parts of the cortex. This could be gardening, artwork, or something mechanical. Tasks that use both hands may be especially effective because they engage both sides of the brain. Many people with PTSD have found that practicing mindfulness and meditation can also reduce their symptoms. While it may be difficult to get into a meditative state once the ANS is activated, regular meditation is one great way to alter the limbic system’s level of reactivity. 

 

In Conclusion

I hope that the information in this article has been informative and that in understanding the brain better, you will have greater compassion for the impact trauma has had on your life or the life of someone you know. If you find that reading about this topic is emotionally challenging, I encourage you to speak with your therapist. If you are not currently in therapy but are interested in starting this process, please consider contacting Karuna or any other therapist for an appointment. 

 

 

 

Resources:
National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp

The National Institute of Mental Health
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

 

EMDR
http://www.emdr.com/

EFT
http://www.emofree.com/

Rapid Resolution therapy
http://www.rapidtraumaresolution.org/

 

Book Recommendations

As a general rule, it is best for trauma survivors to avoid reading passages containing explicit description of other people’s trauma. Such material can unnecessarily trigger one’s own trauma experience. Be cautious, and feel free to step away from any reading that causes discomfort. If you believe that the material is worth learning about, please discuss it with your therapist or consider having a friend or partner read the information and relay the important aspects to you.  

Caring for the Child Within — A Manual for Grownups

By Jane Rowan

http://www.janerowan.com/ChildBooklet.htm
 

Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children

by Eliana Gil (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/Outgrowing-Pain-Adults-Abused-Children/dp/0440500060/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235746985&sr=1-2

Outgrowing the Pain Together

by Eliana Gil (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0440503728/ref=sr_1_olp_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235746985&sr=1-1

An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s ‘Normal’

by John C. Friel Ph.D. (Author), Linda D. Friel M.A. (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235747061&sr=1-1

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition)

by Wendy Maltz (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors-Revised/dp/0060959649/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1235747192&sr=1-1

Preventing The Recurrence of Depression and Anxiety

by Andrea Schrage, MA, LAPC, CMT

The chronic, recurrent nature of depression and anxiety presents an enormous challenge to sufferers and treatment providers. Combining the use of mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy allows for individuals to learn skills that will work more holistically to include mind and body in their growth. Participants can learn to play an active role in preventing the return of depression and anxiety as they watch other areas of their life positively impacted during the process. Through learning these techniques, one will notice a change in how they are able to participate more fully in their life in a conscious and often more peaceful way.

Conscious Choices is a 4-session class designed to teach its members how to combine these two modalities and to give them skills to help them prevent the spiral into reactive moods.

• Learning to meditate for those who think they can’t.
• Learning to identify the ongoing flow of critical voices in our heads.
• Learning to sit with painful emotions and body pains.
• Learning how to see anxiety and depression coming and make choices to prevent them.
• Learning to recognize joy and happiness in everyday life.

Effects of this class may include:

• Increased relaxation.
• Reduced fear and anxiety.
• Discontinuation or lessening of depression cycles.
• Increased happiness and appreciation of life.
• Feelings of empowerment.
• Ability to make clearer choices about life.
• Increased connection with others and self.

by Andrea Schrage, MA, LAPC, CMT

Dealing with Weddings: when you are not allowed to have one.

by Andrea Schrage, MA, LAPC, CMT

It seems to be that time of year again when the proposals are increasing as well as more dates are being set for weddings. At the same time more legislature is being pushed through to stop same sex marriages and to deny these couples the same legal, financial, and health benefits as their heterosexual counterparts. Many are still reeling from the election and the acceptance of amendment 2 and the pain is still fresh. This article is not intended to argue political, religious, or moral viewpoints, but rather to address how people interact with each other and their emotions in a way that feels productive and healthy.

Many feelings are normal upon getting the announcement that friends are getting married; excitement, fear for your friend/family member, fear of having less time with that person, envy, joy, and what happens if you don’t like the person that they are going to marry? What if you don’t believe in marriage? These are all common feelings, and now add the truth that marriage has become a privilege that is not available to everyone. How do you deal with someone you love getting married and balance the range of emotions felt? This is a very exciting time in the couples life and it is hard for many to acknowledge their personal pain for fear that they will detract from the good news. This is a lot to juggle, so lets start with a few guidelines, remembering that every situation is different due to the individuals involved.

Venting

Spend some time talking about your emotions with a therapist or friend. It would be best to choose a person that you feel relatively safe with when sharing your feelings. Someone who is not as invested in the wedding so much that they would have to keep any secretes. It is always wise to be conscious that any advice you get may come with some biases and what is most important is giving your self a chance to be honest about the emotions that have come up for you.

Staying with Emotion

As stronger emotions come up, allow your self room to have them, be with them, and move them. Moving them may be a new concept for some; it simply means expressing them in a way that they don’t end up buried inside of you. This may be something that feels more comfortable to do without others around, either way the following may be some ideas to try.

• Write down your feelings and emotions without editing the content.
• Transfer the emotions on to paper through drawing. This is a time to let go of creating a masterpiece; the object is to use your intuition to guide your colors and your design.
• See if you can locate a body sensation that feels related to the emotions and bring your attention to the physical sensation. Watch to see if it shifts when you bring your attention to it. Describe it to your self in detail or simply breathe with it.
• Move with the emotion; try using music. See what impulses come with it, this can be done through exercise, yoga, or just by single motions that may range from punching to curling up with a blanket.

Communicating

When communicating to the couple who is getting married, it is important to remember that you can express your pain, but it is not the their responsibility to change or fix that pain. Your objective is to let them in on what you are experiencing, so that they can better understand you, and perhaps, get some information about how their decisions may affect others. Get very clear on your motives for discussing the issue. Is it because you’re angry at the oppression that is happening in the world? Is it personal hurt that you feel because you are not sure if your friends/family understand you? Is it from some envy? Is it to educate the person? Is it so that you let go of resentment? Whatever the reason, be clear about it and aware of its effect on your communication.

The timing may be important because this is a very stressful time for the bride and groom. Just as you want to consider their feelings, you want to talk at a time that is more likely to get you what you may need. You would want to plan a separate time that is not part of the wedding events. When we are afraid to bring something up, we may be more apt to blurt it out with out thinking, so planning ahead is essential. It would be best to find a time without others involved and to let the person know that you have something important to talk about, so that they can also decide when is a good time for them to pay attention.

Finally use I statements that talk about your feelings verses you statements that talk about facts.

• I statements: I have mixed feelings about your wedding, I feel happy for you and it also brings up some hurt, because I am not allowed to make the same choice.
• You statements: You shouldn’t get married because it is not legal for everybody.

Do you notice the difference in tone? Most of us don’t respond warmly to being told what to do. You are more likely to get a compassionate response from speaking from your emotion. Either way, a risk is involved and it is one that could cause conflict. If you can get through the emotion and conflict, you offer an opportunity to become closer to the people you are dealing with. Think carefully about the above options and decide for your self how you would best get your needs met.